3 months after BD, the roller coaster ride hurts

[devotee]

Hello everyone!

1) I have not yet read DB or DR. I need the Kindle versions and haven't found them yet.

2) I am still Standing. I don't start R talks, he's the one that does that. We had a deep one last night for about 3 hours after not talking for 3 days. He said much of the same... blaming me for not noticing how miserable he was, how I was self centered and everything in our life was about me, how he had no friends and I never let him have any, that he sees no future, that he wants out and to leave the state, he talked a bit about how he revisits suicidal thoughts, and he kept going back to his emotional affair. Not the situation with that... it was one sided. He was drunkenly confiding in one of my closest friends/coworkers... she listened to him and offered advice because she was worried about him and felt she should since she was my friend. He started becoming too attached to her and saying things over the line. It also caused massive jealousy on my part and she ended her friendship with both of us since it put her in a very awkward place. Now he looks back and is guilt ridden with how he talked to her. He thinks she was the most intelligent, innocent person he has every known and hates himself for how he treated her. He expresses no guilt or fixation on the hurt he has caused me. He brings her up constantly. He barely knew her, just through drunken texts and stories I told him about her and I at work. I have no idea why he is so fixated and attached to her still. I think she could have been anyone who would have just taken the time to listen to him while he was hurting. But he can't see that.
We talked more and he mentioned sometimes he feels like giving in and trying to fix things with us, but then he goes into another rant that I broke his heart for not being there for him and he's scared we'll go back to our old unhealthy ways. He says he doesn't think he'd ever let me back into his heart.

3) I know this will be a long process. It's been 3 months now and it hasn't gotten much easier. But I am working on myself and that helps immensely.

4) I have not told him he is having MLC, but he has mentioned it about him self several times. He has a psychology degree and I think he can see hints of his crisis, but he hasn't committed to working on that at all. It's more he knows he has a lot of buried issues that he needs to work on and he prefers to push them back down.

5) I am going to a therapist. She is helping me deal with me, my anxiety, my codependency, and my communication skills. I would love for him to join me or even go on his own but he feels he knows more than the doctors because of his degree. He says he can read them up and down in a few minutes and they won't be able to fix him or offer any insight.

I have been taking Xanax for my anxiety, and try a bunch of breathing exercises. It helps some, but I do get stuck in dark tunnels and the past. I miss him and wish we could just hold hands, look into each others eyes and commit to working on our marriage. He is far from that and sees no future than just cutting the strings. His analogy was we're like a ball of knotted kite string. No way to untie the mess, just cut right through it and let it go.