M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Had a nice evening. H came by with the kids to help fix the lawnmower. I was outside doing some yard work and he ended up helping cut down a tree that had fallen a while ago. Feels good to be getting some things done around here! The kids were invited to a neighbors for a baseball game. H let them go even though it was his night. He stayed at the house and did some lawn mowing for me then came up to the neighbors house too and visited with a few folks. It was nice, kind of how things used to be but not quite, still some coolness between us. I sent him home with some tomatoes from the garden and more zucchini bread.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Definitely whenever I see H these days my PMA takes a hit the next day. Although we are pleasant to each other there is a definite distance. It feels like we’re really just becoming friends at best, whereas before OW came to his office we were clearly headed in a more romantic direction. I also don’t particularly like that H is being a bit secretive. The fact that he went to OW’s ‘old’ office the other day and obviously felt he couldn’t tell me makes me wonder. I mean if she’s not there because she’s in the office here now what has he got to hide? I know folks may say he didn’t tell me because I might ‘go off’ but if she’s not with him what’s to ‘go off’ about?
I keep wondering what’s going to turn this situation around and my gut feel is that it will not turn around unless something dramatic changes with OW. If for some reason H’s attraction to her dies (I suspect it still lives and is interfering in his feeling for me). Or if for some reason OW leaves that office and isn’t in such close proximity anymore. It seems like something has to happen to completely end things between them. I don’t see any other way. And I’m not sure how long I’m willing to wait around to see if things *might* turn. In a way, I feel like *my* attraction to H is dying in the process.
On a brighter note, I brought myself a bow saw and chopped down a few small trees last night. WOOT!
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
I also don’t particularly like that H is being a bit secretive. The fact that he went to OW’s ‘old’ office the other day and obviously felt he couldn’t tell me makes me wonder. I mean if she’s not there because she’s in the office here now what has he got to hide? I know folks may say he didn’t tell me because I might ‘go off’
Are you saying that he's obviously got something to hide?
Or that he doesn't tell me because I'll obviously go off -- whether he's got something to hide or not.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Just reflecting on how important it is to be reminded of how damaging my "going off" on H is. In some ways it's honestly a blind spot for me, particularly in this situation because I feel entirely JUSTIFIED in going off on H because of the A. It's really hard for me to step back and recognize "wait, no matter what I shouldn't act like this." In addition to my own internal dialogue telling me that I'm justified, I have so many folks around me telling me the same. It's really tough to change some of these longstanding patterns.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
We used to have some really great discussions around here with a poster named Coach, and some others, about "reactivity." Learning NOT to lead with your emotions, and NOT to be reactive.
I've always said that DBing isn't complicated, but it's also not EASY. It does require a great deal of self-discipline, I think. Those that have trouble with self-discipline, and with being too emotionally reactive, seem to struggle with DBing the most.
But the good news is that you can LEARN those things!!!
Thanks, I'll have to see if I can find some of those old posts about reactivity you mention.
I am fearful that I can't ever learn. And it maybe hard to understand if you're not an overly emotional person but truly, sometimes my emotions can come on so strong, so suddenly it doesn't even feel like I have TIME to manage them. Even if I manage to STFU, tears might start suddenly streaming or in some other way my face betrays me. I especially get into trouble when something totally blindsides me, which obviously unfortunately happens quite a bit in A situations.
I do think the ADs help some. And making a point of posting here before doing anything.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
