Quick to listen, Slow to speak

[optimist]

{{{{{holdingon}}}}}

[wiley]

Hi Holding,

I admire the way you have handled yourself through all of this, you deserve to have something good happen, you really do.

I can sure sympathize with your sitch, my XW had an OG and I just couldn't get over the hump with that until it was too late. had I been a little TOUGHER in the L dept..I may have saved my M, but too many "trying to convince" R talks and not enough simply LETTING GO did me in..I know better now, the last two months I've waived the white flag, and just flat out STOPPED contacting her, and now she's checking in more often..Anyway..

..and the R talk is the SAME talk he has been talking...back to IF we get a D, and I am happy with OW...so, he is STILL with her..I was thinking he had maybe quit seeing her.

Well he is seeing her, which is why you should start to NOT see or contact him as much if you wan't to reverse your fortune..Same story I see a million times..He's got an OW, knows you want the M, he's on easy street until either the OW screws things up, or you make yourself scarce and dare I say it..start casually dating yourself..NOTHING SERIOUS, just let him know that two can play at this game..If you do that, then the load his squarely on his shoulders..OW or his W & family may be slipping away to...ANOTHER MAN. I know you'd probably never date LIKE HE IS while you're married, but seldom do you see a WA get nervous until they detect you're MOVING ON..perhaps into someone else's arms..

I said It is distressing to me that we don't even try.

Yes, I'm sure it is, but its equally DISTRESSING to him that you don't seem to GET IT when he tells you he's afraid there may be no "getting it back". You are instantly increasing your chances of getting an entirely different tune out of him if you start subtly AGREEING with him and maybe say..."you know H, maybe you're right, maybe we'll never GET IT BACK, I'm beginning to have some real doubts myself. As a matter of fact, I'm not really sure how I feel about this M anymore. I mean you seem so happy with this OW, and allthough I PREFER we work things out I'm wondering If I wouldn't be happier maybe FINDING somebody else too..." then just keep your trap shut and see what he says..He may say "you deserve someone better than me.." or he may react like many STUNNED WA's do and start to backpeddle off his stance that things can't work out, because he is a little nervous at the STRONG CONFIDENT NON DOORMAT..you..who all of a sudden just might not be WANTING him as much as when he was LOYAL to you..

He said she said she wouldn't wait for him to figure out if things we're going to work out with me. I said, well, I have waited.

I wouldn't have admitted that to him, WAITING is the equivalent of nailing shut your marital coffin. The OW isn't WAITING, she is acting w/confidence, she knows there is another man out there that is worthy of her IF your H doesn't want to commit..probably why he finds her so attractive and difficult to cut loose..She hints at PULLING away, he of course is not so sure he wants to lose her versus his W who he knows will be there no matter what he does..Wonder how things would change if you carried yourself similarly instead of waiting around..the flipside is that she pressures him back into your arms, but thats not likely because he says he was never really happy to begin with..Same thing I heard, and trust me it was NOT Alien talk..don't assume..take it on its face, if he says he's not happy, thats a HUGE red flag...

So did I screw up because he knows I'm here waiting? Will he keep me in limbo forever?

No way of knowing, he'll go with his gut and with his heart. i will say, you can nver screw up, by doing what I recommend to everybody..

Be & ACT HAPPY, NO R TALK, BE CONFIDENT, NO PRESSURE, LET HIM GO, WORK ON YOU, GET OUT AS MUCH AS YOU CAN..give him a reason to pursue you, because that OW knows how to handle him. She doesn't NEED him, she's strong enough to tell him that she's NOT WAITING and that of course is more of a challenge to him than what you're offering to him by unconditionally loving him when he doesn't feel the same way about you right now..


How can you make yourself as ATTRACTIVE to him emotionally as she is??

Good luck..

[mockers2]

(((((Holdingon))))) I think he's got his doubts about the ow. Stay the course and keep patient. I think you did well with the conversation. Your family is in my prayers, Holdingon. The idea to believe nothing of what they say and half of the actions is also good advice. You have done a tremendous job so far. Remember to stay upbeat and keep taking care of yourself. Thinking of you ~

[optimist]

I really like Wiley's advice, Holdingon. Surprise may well be the essence of attack...

[wonder]

WOW. Yup. They are in the same cave!

I am with you in wondering about the waiting thing. It feels right to me to wait and to be honest that I'm waiting. Yet Wiley raises some valid points.

What Laurie said about security perked up my ears. My H once said when I asked him what he truly wanted: "security". In a way maybe I've tried to be that for him, knowing he needed it?

Something else she said reminded me of something my C said: that I was fighting for my M and OW was in reality, all excuses eliminated, fighting to break up someone's M-- and to keep that in the back of my mind. Never knew what to do with that, except remember it.

I find the Christian perspective to be very interesting, as I study Buddhism myself. I have some close Christian friends and my C is Jewish. Yet I often find we are all on the same page emotionally and ethically, though we are all practicing different faiths.

Keep up being the amazing person you so clearly are.

wonder

[holdingon]

Well, I DID feel good about my convo with H... and I have to go with that. I am going to keep on keeping on... as dull and dreary as that is.

I asked God to refresh me, and renew me and found an awesome book by Charles Swindoll called Three Steps forward and Two Back... I am keeping on my journey, getting on with life.

Some great things have been happening lately as far as my future... I am hoping to become certified soon and teach in the classroom... we will see.

Hang in there all!

[nikatnight]

Holdingon,

I definately like Wiley's advice. I think it would be very helpful in your sitch and mine. I find it hard to not be the loving and wonderul (LOL) W that I am. I do know that when I back off or mention I've had enough that's when H says "well, let me ...."

It's good that OW is out on the table. Honesty is important. My H is still pretending that there is no OW! HA!!

I will look up that book you mentioned.

Saying a prayer for you!! nik

[imalright]

Yep, it's all about showing our S we are not caught in there drama. It's about moving forward. My H doesn't like when I'm having all the fun!

hugs
Deb

[hoping]

Hi Holding...I am sorry things are soing rough..the conversation you had with your was ok..I am no expert by any means..but when you said you have not "moved on" bugged me..you need to move on with life...I used to come here a year ago wanting to know how to not let him go..that I needed to talk to him..see him in order for him to not forget me..I did not want to "let go", and of course everyone told me to detach..well as I grew and came to realize that I was not going to change my h..make him love me again..I was alot of time waiting to see if he would call...hoping that maybe next week would be the week..well I finally gave it all to God..asked Him to help my h..to help him find what it was that would make him truly happy again..if it was not with me then I would be ok...if you have read my thread you know what the out come is.

Please move on with life.. but don't give up hope that your h can turn around at any time..don't give up on on your m..just don't let your life stand still.

Sue

[holdingon]

What I meant was I have not "moved on" with another man... I have certainly moved on with my life.

I had that realization tonight... I WILL be okay regardless what happens. I thought that without H things would never be okay, and I realized tonight that things will be okay regardless. I am not alone, and have not been alone through this whole struggle. I know this because the old me would not have been strong enough to get where I am. I have felt the Lord's arms around me... and whatever happens I know I will never be alone again.

I have grown so much. I never thought I would be able to handle what I have handled. I am a better, more thoughtful, more patient, more humble person. I have seen the absolute ugliness that people can produce, but I have also experienced the most wonderful, loving sweetness that we are capable of also. I am no longer afraid... not of the future, not of what others think, not of the decisions I make.

If H does not come back, I know the best is yet to happen... the Lord promises that.

I have lived my life with integrity. I have never intentionally hurt anyone, and as best I can, won't. I hope to be able to be a blessing to others.

So... what will be will be, and what is, is. I have today. I have my wonderful children, and I have an awesome personal relationship with the Lord. Oh, I have some pretty awesome friends, too.