I'm conflicted with the DB techniques and my situation.
Many LBH's reach that place of confusion. I think one reason is b/c when he reads DB/DR, it translates or forms a picture in his mind of how that would look in his stitch. He likes it and decides to follow the DBing path. (Sadly, some people believe that DB is even suggesting a doormat style to saving one's M.)But each person forms their own opinion when they read.
As he begins reading more and more posts here on the board, he often will see some terminology that isn't quoted from MWD's book. He reads where some board members encourage the LBS to take a swifter approach/harder stance, while others believe a softer one works best. There are times the board members disagree. So, yes, I can easily see why anyone could get confused!
I also have learned that many people do not seem to realize that as time passes that some "techniques" or 180's (your plan of action) may need adjusting or revised b/c the stitch may not be exactly as it was the first day you arrived here.
Everyone here has different personalities. How some people decide to deal with their stitch.....other people would not, or could not, do at all. By reading your posts, I see a man who readily agrees he doesn't want a M with three people. You have a lot of questions, and that's good. You want to think about all your options and see what worked for others. That is good, too. It tells me you are not narrow minded.
On one hand, I think your emotions are wanting to press her for some answers, and to act really hardcore. However, I just don't quite see you being the kind of man who will actually draw the line in the sand b/c you fear she will ignore it...or step over the line and dare you to do anything about it. You avoid conflicts. You internalize your thoughts/feelings. And b/c you have known about this A for some time now and don't know how to deal with it. You absolutely need a more specific plan of action, or your frustrations will cause you to give up on DB and walk away from the board.
My suggestion is this: Get paper & pen and make two columns . Start jotting down some DB words that seem to contradict each other. For an example, take MWD's "act as if" and what it means. Then take "cake eating" and what that means. (I can't actually remember that term being used in her book, but IDK.) I know it is used a lot on the board. This one may or may not appear contradicting to you, but it is for some people. It's just an example.
Once you complete your list, see what fits your personality. You know your nature better than anyone, right? And if you're not sure about some term, ask us and we'll try to give you the answer.
Quote:
39. If there is an OW/OM in the picture, don't focus on them. BE the better choice, which means being a spouse only a fool would leave.
"Be a spouse only a fool would leave" is advice from a DB Coach to 25yrs. She has passed that along to others, and it's great advice. To me, being a H that only a fool would leave....might not be the same definition as other women would have. I think you also need to realize that when you are in a M where there was, or still is, an A....you may not be able to a few things as effectively as when the MR was healthy. The mindset of your W is not the way it once was....before the OM. But I'll get back to that point in a minute.
If there is another man, don't focus on him/affair. That must be extremely difficult. It's easy for me to tell you to just forget about OM, but I have not been in those shoes. I can only forward what I have learned through observation and information. You can obsess about the other guy until it destroys the man you are....or would like to be. So don't let that happen to you. Take action now to see that it doesn't change "you" for the worse.
"Not focusing" means not to bring him up in conversations with your W. Don't make references to OM with some snide remark, etc. Don't ask questions about him. Don't do anything that may appear as if you have him on your mind. B/c it will take away from what you want to accomplish. You may not see it, but I promise you it does leave a bad mark if you can't find a way to release the negative affect and lean how to cope....in spite of the A. (And I don't suggest you internalize b/c that isn't healthy.) For you, it is probably very hard to keep a PMA while reading their messages to each other, right? That's b/c it causes you to focus on their A.
I don't want to stop right here, but I have to leave. I'll be back to finish.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
