Well H came here Friday morning. We took our D5 to her open house for school. He asked what my plans were for the weekend. I told him I would be at our home Fri night taking care of baby and would leave Saturday morning to go to the beach. Coming home Sunday.
I told him that he could take our older kids out to dinner Fri night. he aid "why don't I take everyone to dinner since it's your birthday on Monday." I agreed to go to dinner with the kids. Had a nice dinner & I kept things light. Acted "as if".
I asked him on Saturday morning if he was ready to talk sometime soon, possibly Monday after we took D5 to her first day of school, about the marriage issues to see what we were dealing with. He said "I freaked him out, when he asked a few weeks ago, and I called him back the next day to say yes, that I would like to talk." He said he is still not ready to talk.
His aunt told me yesterday that she spoke to him on Saturday & he told her he would like to work things out but wants it come back together naturally.
I left on Saturday night and went to the beach to stay the night with some girlfriends. We had dinner & dancing & a great time. Came home Sunday afternoon to get D5 ready for her first day of school.
We took D5 together to drop her off on her first day of school. We came home & he left to drive to his work. He did tell me "Happy Birthday" and gave me a side hug.
Yesterday afternoon, I found out that my step grandfather is in the hospital & not expected to live. I did send H a text telling him to call me back so I could explain details. He called me back and I explained what was happened and the diagnosis.
Last night, I decided to do some snooping. As mentioned in my previous post - I have a feeling that there has been some level of deceit throughout the marriage. I went on to the google account & was able to see google searches that were done from his cell phone. From September 2010 - November 2013.
Over this time, I see that he searches for porn DAILY. He also searched for several other websites which are a bit more concerning - Plenty of fish dating website, searches for where ladies nights are for that particular day of the week he searched - ex. wed night ladies night in (city where he works), a website called f**k buddies, and also google searches from 9/2012 - 9/2013 for one of the women that he has been hanging out with since BD (but not the main OW that I saw text evidence of). In the searches I can see he googles her name then looked at her facebook or several other things that come up when searching her name.
I'm hurt. But, it is helping me to put a picture together of things I had no idea were happening. Especially because he is "not ready to talk" about our problems.
If he has been cheating for the past 2 years or longer I believe this is a dealbreaker for me. I feel like a fool that I had no idea there were any problems this far back.
We were not in a sex starved marriage - we ML 2 of the 3 days that he was home on the weekends. ALWAYS. Except the last month or so of my pregnancy with baby #3.
I'm not sure how I & our marriage can overcome the issues that he has with possibly being a serial cheater & a possible sex addiction. Is that what it's called when someone looks at porn daily & frequents strip clubs?
He does not want to talk about the issues. What are some good options I have at this point? I reread DR this morning about internet addictions & giving the ultimatum. Is that appropriate here when someone does not even want to talk about marital issues yet?
Should I send an email confronting with the past? He said when we talk he does not want to discuss the last 3 months only the issues that led us there.
I need to make some additional boundaries. But, I don't really know what other steps I can take. He only comes to see kids every other weekend. He does stay at our house & I usually leave. Maybe I should ask him not to come here anymore?
I also think I need to go completely dark with him. He is definitely going to wonder whats going on because I have been being lovingly detached, neighborly, and pleasant.
How to go dark with small kids? And a baby with medical issues? It may not be possible.
Would an explanation of why I only want to speak to him via text be necessary?
Any help or advice is appreciated.
H:40 Me:35 D5 S4 S3 months Married 8 years Together 17 years BD: 5/23/2014
