Train, roll on ...

[Train]

Thank you guys so much for chiming in with your own experiences and thoughts.

Really loved this, Starsky:
To me, forgiveness is realizing that as "black-and-white" as I saw my wife's transgression against me as being, I have my own shortcomings . . . they are just in OTHER areas. That doesn't make me any better . . . or any worse.

I've always been the type of person who looks at MY role in a disagreement/relationship breakdown before looking at the other person's contributions. Granting forgiveness has, then, always been pretty easy for me. In fact, sometimes, I've been accused of giving it too freely. I just don't want to hold grudges. What's the point of living with that kind of anger? At the same time, being "too" forgiving, I guess, could suggest other issues, like conflict-avoidant stuff ... or codependency.

I just brought the question up because it's something about which I had a discussion with a friend this week. She asked if I had forgiven H. And I had to say, "I don't know." I don't even know what it looks like to forgive ... or to NOT forgive someone ... I guess.

I've identified what/where I screwed up. I continue to work on myself and my responses/reactions. I'm not shoving what happened down H's throat; in fact, on the rare occasions we talk about it, the conversations are very civil and quite productive, with both of us sharing turns to speak ... and neither getting frustrated to the point of shutting down or playing a blame game.

I'm having trouble moving forward with his family, which is likely going to cause some awkwardness and friction. H and I had a chat earlier this week about that. My teenage girls don't want to visit them, 8 hours away, when the rest of the family is going. And I confided in my H that I will feel very awkward being there, but obviously I'd still go.

His parents and I had a little falling-out just before I discovered how in-depth H's PA had become. His dad, on a phone conversation with me (while MIL was listening in on another line), was trying to help and point-out the different roles H and I both had played in the breakdown of our M. He essentially told me I placed my kids as a priority over H. (Which is true.) He mentioned that H and I weren't sleeping together. (Which is true.) And then went a little further and said, "When a farmer's field dries up, the farmer moves to a different field." THEN, he started talking about how attractive of a woman I am, going on and on about one of my bridal pictures. And then followed that up with: "But, you know, you have a tendency to let yourself go. You wear sweatpants and t-shirts, and, frankly, that makes you unattractive." I bit my tongue. And then, after finding H's texts with OW, flew way off the handle with his parents, asking why - if a farmer notices his field is drying up - he wouldn't think to water his own d@mn field before buying a different one. I asked if they thought my SAHM pony-tailed hair and my make-up (or lack thereof) meant I deserved my H sending a text to his new love interest, asking if she'd like him to "f--- the sh!t out of her in Train's bed."

Their feelings were hurt because it's the first time they've ever seen "that" side of Train. But I had a lot of left-over resentment from 2005/06, when they not only abandoned ME when H left, but also my unborn son ... and then they moved back into our lives, nary a word said, when H and I reconciled back then.

This time, they tried to remain present in my life, and the kids' lives, mainly through e-mail because they live several hours away. But when they visited for a weekend - supposedly to see with their own eyes that everyone was okay (and a special emphasis on my teenage DDs) - they really didn't hang much with us. They (and H) took the little kids for a day. Said "hello," essentially, to the big girls and me, and that was about it.

I found out later that MIL was trying to help H outfit his apartment. I guess it seems they really just rallied behind him. And when H came home, he told me he was flabbergasted that his parents would tell him that they support him no matter what.

I understand it, don't get me wrong. But I don't think I could use the word "support" if I were the parent of a child who had walked away from his M and family - twice. I will LOVE my kids unconditionally. But support them "no matter what"? Nope. Don't think so. I don't support them when they make a C in a class in which they've made As and Bs all year; I certainly wouldn't support them creating a family and walking away from it for grass they think is greener. I would love them no matter what. But I wouldn't support them no matter what. And I doubt I'd help them outfit their new apartments.

Since H and I have been piecing, I haven't heard from his parents except for once, I think, when his mom called about birthday-gift ideas and just said, "You're somethin' else, Train, to take him back after all that." They call H every Sunday, but they don't speak to the kids or to me. I *did* apologize to his parents, shortly after I flew off the handle. I asked them to TRY to understand my position: I felt my appearance and my relationship with my kids was being blamed for H cheating. At that point, I was looking for ANY help from any of them since H has no family around here. (It's before I re-joined the boards.) Fact is: our families just operate so incredibly differently.

H got upset during our convo about it the other night; he *seemed* more upset about the fact that his family has hurt DDs and me - again. And he said he blames himself "because they act this way due to the trash I talked about you when I was doing what I was doing." He said he would "handle" it, but I actually asked him not to. I told him I wasn't asking for him to jump in and fix anything. I was just picking his brain about how, or if, *I* should handle anything with them to make our FAMILY transition a little more smooth, especially when DD16&17 want little or nothing to do with his family now. (It was hard enough watching them struggle to accept H back into the fold; they're still working hard on it.)

So, wow. I just vented way off in left field, didn't I?

All that to say: assuming I'm understanding the concept of forgiveness, I feel I am working toward forgiving H (though it's MUCH harder this time, with it being the second time he has betrayed me). I'm not sure why I'm having a more difficult time forgiving his parents. Maybe because we haven't put any "work" into repairing our relationship. And, to be frank, we probably won't.

Add all that together - and stick it in the same week as I'm sitting in a courtroom, watching families be destroyed - and it's just been a pretty emotionally-draining week.

I'll just never be able to resolve in my mind how things as precious as families can be destroyed so quickly. But *I* need to figure out what forgiveness is ... and work on forgiving people. Including myself.

watto, I'll take a look on your thread, for sure! I don't post much (unless I feel I have something worthwhile to add). But I'll keep an eye out!

Thanks again, y'all!