GOOD TO HEAR YOUR VOICE TOO. and glad you're still "out there". i was all on a binge up north and even almost (yeah- so me huh? always "almost" ) picked up the darn phone and told you to come and help me dejunk. it's the mindset - i may be getting it more and more (fingers crossed). not the giant miracle i need - but small steps and "feeling like it" when it comes to loading up and ditching. so i am hopeful about that- i wish i'd paint my attic allll white like the charming pictures in magazines with white beams, etc. who knows, - maybe that will move me to do it???
hope springs eternal here about the junk thing. I DO AGREE WHOLE heartedly about the not thinking thing. i think it's just habit- the continual being aware- being responsible - or feeling responsible (for everyone) and their happiness, running junk thru the brain - . it's insanity really- i can see clearly that i'm not high on anyone elses list - why in the world i would think i have some special "duty" i can't even imagine. but do i have a "theory" about it- nope. that's progress in itself.
can't even cook one up - and that is NOT LIKE ME at all.
i've spent so much time analyzing every stinkin thing - that i think i made myself nuts. so, i'm hopeful that this inability to even get my brain cranked up and running is merely (hopefully) BRAIN taking over and shutting the engine off for awhile (since i'm able.) (savoring the moments of that particluar freedom).
it's a weierd thing - the contrast thing. when i realize sometimes i could be facing "end" of life as i know it- it actually seems very nice at the moment to be in my life and this "don't care" thing is also very nice. to just not really give a damn what happens next. maybe if the only realistic expectations should be of bad things- ya just get to a point of not lookin for trouble and expecting them- just keeping alive and will deal with whatever it is, when it comes.
i think just letting brain float back over last bunch of years - so awful really - but i don't feel the need to "dip back down" into all that" . h , mom, (her really sad-bad last year) dyin finally - allll the terrible feelings that are over; for good - so why even re-inspect them. somtimes it seems like it's our "duty" to keep aware of those bad experiences so we don't ever go there again- but i don't think so, really. (in the end) THAT might be the bad habit bit- reliving bad stuff.
maybe it's just as crucial to any sort of future happiness to let it allll go and be done and over. no more i did this, you did that, etc. or assignment of blame or lable. (a biggie with me). when i really feel that - and i'm not just "sayin it" but feelin it - i have some hope here for my brain just getting rite back to normal sometime and leaving the past in the past. (fingers crossed).
it's become apparent that i have very very little actual control over most of stuff that wigs me out- (and hopefully i'm not dying or anything like that) soooo free for the moment (this very moment that is).
oh well- that big thought wore me out- so i'm back to empty head here- i am not totally sure, but i don't think i have any expectations any more. as long as no one is dying today- or poking me with a sharp stick - i'm good.
hope you're enjoying your summer and you and son are doing well.
