Stimulus-Response: The Experiment Continues

[GoatGal]

Bright,


Don't take anything I said as "proof" of ANYTHING!!!

This was just my personal experience where I was trying to understand why GUBU has been acting the bizarre way he has been about our M.

We have had ZERO adult discussion.
He REFUSED THERAPY to explain anything to me, not for reconciliation, just to help me cope with the trauma.
Nope. Not happening.
When I tried to talk to him, I swear it was like talking to either a teenager or a little boy.
He would put his fingers in his ears and go "La la la la la..." I kid you not!


Every "talk" just turned into blaming me, nastiness, and the most incredible excuses and rationalizations ever!
Which is why the DBing strategy of "No R talks" was right on the money.

I did say at one point:
"Well, if the best you can come up with about why I'm so awful is that I have three boxes of dishwashing detergent and canvas shopping bags hanging by the front door, then I guess I'm way ahead!"

(Which p*ssed him off, of course. )

I was only thinking about the difference between ending a relationship for the "right" reasons:
* impossible long-term compatibility: personality/values/temperament
* different goals for the future: children, religion, money, family, location, employment, lifestyle
* real deal-breakers, abuse, neglect, serial infidelity, addiction, violence
As opposed to:
"I'm not IN LOVE with you any more/we've grown apart/I have OW/OM."
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As for your H, I have had others end relationships with me, and I have seen that cold, door closing behavior.
The eyes get dead: "it's over", it's clear that it's final and that's that.

For some men, that's how they have to do it.
Serve it to you ICE COLD.
Because they need to harden their hearts to hurt you.
It's not ABOUT hurting you or getting even, or cake-eating, or making YOU pay. It's just time to cut losses and move on.

That is a huge contrast to the MLC "It's OVER" song and dance.
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But these were not LONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS, as ForeverYoung said.
These were "discovery" R, where we were feeling each other out to see if there was a future.
Over time, it became clear that there wasn't going to be a long term R.
Maybe we both weren't on the same timeline about ending it, but it was pretty clear that it was going to be a dead-end.

Which, looking back, is why there wasn't a tremendous amount of emotion on my end when they dumped me. I wasn't all that invested, either, and probably would have ended it myself given a certain amount of time.

There is NO WAY there isn't deep emotion and conflict involved while ending a serious, lasting, relationship with someone where there are few-none of the "deal-breakers" listed above.

A lack of internal conflict on his part would be ABNORMAL.

And as we know, "abnormal" thinking/emotion is the hallmark of MLC!!!
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So, BrightFuture, there is nothing in what I said that negates your H being in MLC or conflicted about what he's doing.

If you listened to my H's co-workers, (which I don't), he is CRYSTAL CLEAR on the fact that his M is OVER, and it would be best if I just signed and moved on because HE WILL NEVER CHANGE HIS MIND.

Well, that's what Mr. MoneyMaker likes to portray to them because he needs to look powerful and in control.

They're not the ones getting texts like I did last night about him being "sad"... etc..

And since he filed he has not said one word about moving ahead, changing anything, getting his own place, helping me move... in fact, he gets freaked out if I contact my lawyer, and I think this might be because he's worried that I'm moving ahead and HE IS NOT READY!!!!

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Each person is going to handle it differently.
If your H is a real calculating type, he might keep everything close and not deviate whatsoever. That doesn't mean he's not going nuts internally.

My H also stated that he didn't want "to hurt" me, among other things, yet he kept doing things to me that he would have confronted any other man for doing to a woman he cared for, his wife in particular!

I often want to ask him:
"If you were GUBU's friend, what advice would YOU give him about how he is going about things?"

Not that he'd listen.

But I'm pretty sure he'd tell GUBU that he was making a real mess and was going to pay for it the rest of his life.... Not that it matters, because TODAY he "NEEDS"... something.


---GGG
Who is going to have an awesome day in this unseasonably cool August weather!