CaliGuy, I have to say this is the first thing that popped into my head. Yes, it's mindreading, so let it go. But even if it's for OM, that still means she recognizes it as a problem which could be applied to any R she's in, with OM or with you.
rppfl Oh I know its mind reading, just impulse feelings I have to let go of, putting them out there and realizing what I am doing is a way to try and stop that behaivior in myself.
One thing that I noticed made my W worse was that if she was guilty, or hiding something that month the PMS was considerably worse. I am assuming your W had the same pattern. It may be worth communicating that one right there, the value of honesty = sanity.
Yes she does ... she revisited the text later that night and into this morning, she is on one of her episodes, and the guilt she has I think is eating her up, I suggested she see an IC, but I have learned a soft suggestion is as far as I can go, not pushing leading to the volcanic explosion is what has worked.
So as I mentioned .. she TM me later that night and I was not really comfortable talking about her PMS issues, was nice to know (like rppfl said) she is at the least aware of it and the impact it has on those around her ... she admitted this morning our S wants nothing to do with her and he is scared of her ... more the latter, he loves his mom but has told me he is scared of her at times .. if anything I would hope she could get help for him. During our TM convo last night she said something to the effect "Its ok, I'm not your problem anymore... goodnight" ... that statement hurt a bit .. I almost sent no reply, but replied with "You were never a "problem" ... night". Then she went on to say she was good till the PMS, she picks a fight and then gets depressed and asked me how many years she has been doing that cycle. I confirmed, and told her its been some time and has increased in intensity over the last couple years ( This was with the added stress that I did not bring up,miscarraige in 2006 seem to start it off.. my father passing2012, her brother in prison2013, her mother left her father for a year2013 - and the family drama she considers normal, and her work-3 different jobs in 4 years that she has not been happy with since she was laid off-off for over a year- and we lost the house in 2009)
So I tried to dodge all this.. makes her feel like its her fault and I have never felt that way, just unfortunate circumstances and validate, telling her I understand she is having a hard time and asked how I could help ... obviously times like this she does reach out to me, part of me would like to 180 here and make her see what its like without me, but I just can not be cruel, right or wrong I feel that does not add into the love bucket and would be cruel ... so I feel this is my chance to put in positives, she replied that "you walk away every morning I see it, your guard is up, I know its ok I've hurt everyone" I jus ttold her it was not that I am walking away, I am just working on me ... she said "good for you, Goodnight" then went on to say "Its ok, I need to learn to be alone, I have S here in bed with me" .... I did not want to touch the alone part, just told her to watch out for S's right hook and left it at that.
She TM this morning still emotional and depressed, I asked her if she would let me help her, get her at least an IC .... told her its helping me (figured share a little vulnerability maybe she would atleast think about it) Told her between IC and reading its helped me. She then asked what I was reading ... I was not going to tell her DB ... lol .. I told her books my therapist suggests, and I read the bible everyday (180s here for me that I have stuck to) .... then she replied "You don't have to boast, I know you are on the right path and I'm not" ... guilt talk here, I just replied .. I was not boasting just telling you what I read, then I sent her a pic of our dog changing the topic and tone feeling the fight brewing ... Thanks to MWD for that in the DB book about changing our pattern in a fight ... see I am reading and applying
For the most part, I am just holding onto the positives here, I was starting to be a little frustrated, I know we are not to have any expectations, but in a way .. I expect to save this marriage, I realize its a long process, but you do kind of need little flashes of hope that things are improving and getting better. This exchange does make me feel that in a way she does need me, when she is at her dark stages, and if I can plant some seeds ... maybe when the sun comes out they will grow and take root. I resisted every chance to tell her .. the guilt is eating at her, stop doing what you are doing ... but the statement of her needing to get used to being alone, I actually agree with, no OM, no me even .. she needs to get right, get out of the fog, and then maybe she will want the strength of our family to lean on as she continues her battle with the demons.
