Hi Maybell! I'm just now reading your thread. It sounds like we have some things in common. My H and I are also resisting a legal S because it's going to make the R (and possible reconciliation) more difficult. (I believe we are in the same state, actually.)
Originally Posted By: Maybell
Then I was thinking about how messy it would be if he dated, and hurtful (presumably) to the third party.
Then I wondered why I would be more concerned about a small hurt inflicted on an unknown and possibly mythical third party than I currently am about the massive, knee-buckling scars inflicted on me and the kids.
I think this is partly out of compassion for others, but I also think that it's likely a way of (subconsciously?) rationalizing your objection to him seeing other people. If it's harmful to someone else, then you aren't against it just because it affects you and your family. It makes his behavior more objectively wrong, not just a personal offense to you.
I may have missed an update in your posts, but did you communicate this boundary to him yet? If not, I would sit on it for a while before doing so. As Meghan said, it's important to know not only the boundary but also what you will do when the boundary is crossed. You don't necessarily have to communicate the consequence to him, but I think you will need to be prepared to act if the boundary is violated. If you're not ready to do that (either because you don't know what the consequence will be, or because you're not quite ready to take that step), then I don't think it makes sense to lay the boundary yet. It will be bark with no bite. I do think that you should communicate the boundary to him at some point, though.
As for dinner -- no way would I go to dinner with my H and my D right now. I would go (and have gone) with just my H (and with just my D), but I don't trust our interactions enough to expose my D to them just yet. We're not volatile at all, but we both engage in "trigger" behaviors that cause grumpiness (my H) or sadness (me) rather easily.
If you don't want to go, I would just say something like, "Thanks for the invite, but I think I'll sit this one out. The kids are excited to see you and I think it will be good for them to have some alone time with you." Would that work for your sitch? (It sounds like they are spending most of their time with you -- am I reading that right?)
