U-turn - I give you Chapter 36 of the Tao de Ching:
If one wishes to shrink it One must first expand it If one wishes to weaken it One must first strengthen it If one wishes to discard it One must first promote it If one wishes to seize it One must first give it This is called subtle clarity
The soft and weak overcomes the tough and strong Fish cannot leave the depths The sharp instruments of the state Cannot be shown to the people
So much of this doesn't make sense. Like you - I didn't give much thought to my relationship in the first 21 years. Then the bottom fell out and I had to look at what I had. (The answer is: a mess. Who knew?)
I think the thing about DB is DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY.
My H is in MLC - I feel very strongly about this. Part of his problem is with validation. Never in my life have I heard someone say so loudly and clearly, "PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME AND SHOW ME THAT YOU LOVE ME!!!" And part of me wants to tell that childish part of him, "DUDE, if you want attention, then you have to play nicely in the sandbox!" But...oddly....since I haven't really been that great at validating him WITH WORDS in the past, that's what I've been called to do. Step up to the plate, and tell the man that he is awesome when he is awesome. Sit on the couch with him and watch soccer with him. Spend time with him when he's home rather than ignoring him. So - it's not DB to a tee, for sure....because it definitely feels like pursuit. But he's shifting to me and I see a big difference in his behavior. Whatever it is, it's working, I think. The whole thing takes time and work and is strange. In the meantime, I am still setting boundaries. I noticed last night that I stopped him from having a conversation (he wanted to talk about boobs. Seriously. He's like 15 years old.) that I didn't want to have. He got sullen and quiet, but I saved my sanity. Boundaries are good.
If you didn't used to hold your wife's hand and she likes it, then do it.
