Finding my way - part 4

[Meghan]

Thanks, vossy - I'm going to try the flipped mindreading, too. It's hard at this point - all I see are the negative reasons, and lots of them - but I'd really like to feel better about this.

I saw him come online this morning at 8:20. The only time he's been up at 8:20 in the last few years is for appointments. Most good days he wasn't up until noon. On bad ones, it was more like 4 in the afternoon.

I wonder what he's doing now and why he's up. But more than that, I wonder why for all those years I wasn't worth getting up for. Because clearly he CAN get up. He just wouldn't do it for me.

My mind thinks: he's up early because he's got a job, which means that we'll never be together again. Or, he has an job interview, also so he can stay away from me and cover his own expenses. Or, he's up early so he can talk to his online friend, or perhaps go meet her.

But maybe he's up because he's having trouble sleeping after leaving. Or because his stomach's acting up again. Or because his sleep is interrupted. Or, to spend time with family. Or, because he doesn't want his family to see how late his usually sleeps, possibly because that would disrupt his narrative of why we were having problems and highlight some of his issues rather than mine.

I wish I had more reasons that I could believe that focus on him being upset with his decision, but I just don't. Looks like today's going to be an emotional day.