FINALLY SURFACING

[Fartiltre]

Had a few texts back and forth with W the past two days and we settled on meeting up Thursday next week in the morning for the evaluation-talk. Texting has been nice.

Yesterday I received a text from W:
“I have just talked with the Karate-club. Due to changes at the school they can’t have the gymhall as usual. Therefore training is moved to Wednesday from 17:30-19:00 (Friday from 18:30-19:30) Have a nice day :)”

This gives me a major challenge due to:
Wednesday is shifting day and Ds and I haven’t seen each other for 9 days. Ds are not themselves on these days. Therefore I have normally kept these days quiet and without any stress.
The timing is wrong. Karate is a 20 min. drive. We won’t be home until 19:30 and getting home before practice is not an option due to work and driving time.

I replied “Damn it!” immediately and a little later:
“Karate won’t work for me. We can take it on the phone if you want but D7 needs to know that she won’t go tomorrow. I will take the general talk about this with her”

W: “Yes, and [D7 friend] also needs to know. It is something they have together”

Then I tried to call W but line was busy.

Me: “Yes…I have tried to call you”
W: “I am on the phone myself”
Me: “Give me a call when you are free”

We had a talk for 15 min! The tone was mostly calm but W seemed angry and accusing.

I (once again) told W about my issues with Wednesday and also the timing on this one. We have been over this before on several occasions. She blamed me and told me that I never wanted to take the children to anything. This time I asked her why she says things like this since I do not recall stating this and that I have taken Ds to many things. I also had to state my boundaries once again – I need to get firmer on these. She then pulled out some old examples from S11 and I told her that I understand her POV. (I can see where this comes from and to some extend I agree with Ws POV – I also find that her “truth” has been twisted a lot)
W wanted me to call D7s friend about the cancellation tomorrow and I said I couldn’t see any reason for that.
I kept my voice calm through the entire talk – W almost did the same.
I felt her being gone through the entire convo. I try hard to see her POVs on these and other matters but at the same time I feel blamed and like she will never try to understand mine. It feels like she don’t want to accept that D has a major effect on children’s life. I have discussed my boundaries with mutual friends and shrink and they seem to understand my POV.
I will have these talks once again to make sure I am not on a wrong track.

After the convo I realized that off course D7s friend should have a call, so I called back W and told her I was wrong and that I would handle it. At the same time I suggested that we look for another activity that the children can go to. W liked it and we agreed upon me contacting D7s friend’s parents.

I had a short talk with D7s friend’s mother. She understood me but also said that she felt sorry for the children. I told her I feel the same way and then we agreed to look for something else.

I called W back afterwards and told her about the talk and that I would keep her informed.

The Friends mother told me they would give me a call in the evening - but they didn’t.