Not sure what to do

[MrBond]

"I did not want to discuss our relationship. I still do not want to discuss our relationship.

I think it is a toxic subject."

You're wrong. It's not the subject that is toxic, it's the way you talk to your W about it that is.

"But after I told her I filed the separation papers she stopped responding to me. So I don’t know when she is there.

I don’t want to be there is she is there. She likes to fight and I refuse to fight with her."

She is fighting because she's scared. She doesn't "like" to fight. The way you handled the separation was wrong. You two never actually dealt with trying to communicate in a way the two of you understood.

" said she didn’t understand how much she had hurt me. She got really angry. She said she was sick of living in my “house of pain.” She said I had forgiven her for name calling and I “wasn’t allowed” to keep bringing up stuff I had forgiven her for."

Well you did say that you forgave her, so she's right in that you shouldn't have kept bringing things up. Who wouldn't argue against someone who kept dredging up old arguments?

"Then she said she thought we were separated for an entirely different reason.

I said I didn’t care what she thought."

That is true. Do you think telling her that would actually make things better?

"I was still hurt. She needed to realize how much she hurt me when she yelled. I wasn’t getting over it."

That's you controlling things. She's not an 8 year old girl. You never tried to understand WHY she was yelling in the first place. People yell when they get frustrated when they feel that they're not being heard. But instead, of trying to understand that, you kept it in and made it worse by shutting down which got her more frustrated.

"Then she exploded."

I can see why.

"What the heck, right?"

No she was perfectly in her right to do that.

"After listening to her yell at me for hours about how I had “dissolved her life without her permission” (her favorite phrase for the last year) she finally let me leave."

Isn't she right? You were the one who filed the separation without telling her so she's correct. But instead of trying to understand that, you just made a sarcastic remark about it. All you're doing is perpetuating the cycle of destructive behavior.

"Then she sent me angry emails for days."

Understandable to all of us. You don't seem to understand though.

"That was about a month ago and I haven’t seen her since. We had email exchanges for about two weeks where she blasted me and I apologized. She accused me of “harboring hurts” and “massaging grievances” and having an affair."

With the exception of the A (which I'm assuming you didn't have, she was right about you harboring hurts and massaging grievances. I mean you pretty much just admitted to that above.

"So, the last thing I want to do is go to the house and see her. She is drama waiting to happen."

That's a preconceived misconception you're going to have to get over. SHE isn't the one causing drama. Both of you are.

"Based on the text yesterday (telling me someone else is taking care of the dog while she is out of town) she’s itching for a fight."

Really? you are pretty petty to think that way.

"I’m not going to give it to her."

And so your destructive behavior goes round and round.

"I’ll wait until she gets scared. When she gets scared she calms down."

Wow you feel the most powerful against her when she's scared. Sounds more like a bully than a H.

Go back and read the advice given to you. It only takes one of you to stop the destructive behavior. But each of you is waiting for the other one to take the responsibility of that first step.

Do you want to be "right" or M'd? BTW, I can see this behavior of yours being carried into your other relationships even if you do D because you haven't learned this.