Quick to listen, Slow to speak

[holdingon]

Arrgh!
Is this ever going to be OVER? My H called tonight... and we ended up having an R talk. And the R talk is the SAME talk he has been talking... back to IF we get a D, and I am happy with OW... so, he is STILL with her... he sure doesn't seem happy, but says he is... I was thinking maybe he had quit seeing her.

Some things I did say:
1. It is distressing to me that we aren't even going to try.
2. Are you really happy? Or did the snowball effect happen and now you are stuck? He did say that somedays he did feel like the snowball analogy was a good one. He said somedays he felt really happy.
3. I took complete responsibility for my part of the problem. Said I was sorry for not telling him how much I appreciated him. Told him I thought I was telling him I loved him by doing all the acts of service I was doing for him. Told him I was sorry for being critical and controlling.
4. I told him there was nothing he had done that couldn't be fixed or worked out.

He said he was afraid that we would never "get it back." I told him I didn't want the old relationship back.

He said he knew what the right thing to do was, but was wondering if he should stay with what would make him happy...

He said she wouldn't wait for him to figure out if things were going to work out with me. I said, well, I have waited.

He said I should be telling him to go jump in the lake.
At which point I told him that caring for him the way I do, I did want for him what would make him happy.

I said you keep your guard up around me... I said when you let your guard down in October things were good. He said then why don't I let my guard down more. I said, you said yourself, you are afraid. I said I am scared to death myself.

I said sometimes its easier to stay with the easy thing, especially knowing that talking to each other might cause pain.

He told me all the alien crap... I'm happy, I was never happy with you, blah, blah, blah.

He did say he really misses the kids and knows they probably hate him.

He said he knows he needs to make a decision...

So, did I screw it up cause he knows I'm here waiting? Will he keep me in limbo forever? He definitely knows I haven't "moved on" so if that was my strategy I screwed that up.

Why can't I just look at my life as this is the way it is and be happy? Why torture myself daily?

He is definitely NOT ready to even think about reconciling. If we tried now, he would sabotage it... He still sees his OW as the real thing... not the house of cards that it is.