Finding my way - part 4

[Meghan]

Thanks, Maybell - I'm trying to keep in mind that it's been less than a week since he left and that this is going to be a process. I think the grieving's important, and I don't really have a problem with the sad moments and the feelings of loss, particularly when I remember the good stuff that we had together.

It's more the other stuff that I could do without. I'm not in contact, but some of the hardest times are when I get obsessed with where he is, what he's doing, and who he's doing it with.

I suspect this happens because I can tell based on his IM accounts whether he's at his computer or not. And if he's not at his computer, I start to wonder. He was almost always on his computer when he was here because he almost never went out. And so now I want to know where, what, and who.

But I think it goes deeper than that (I seem to be on a roll here - revelation time, perhaps?) One of the issues in our relationship was that I think I felt like I wasn't worth doing some things for - getting up earlier, taking a job, going out to gatherings or events with, stuff like that. So seeing that he's out doing something (not that I know what), and that he can do those things and just chose not to with me, is really hard to take right now.

And, on top of that, this ties into my fears that someone else will get what I've been referring to as Husband 2.0 - the improved version of H. that I still want. The idea that someone else - online friend, perhaps - could wind up with all of the good stuff that I now miss plus all of the things that I wanted to change is both maddening and heartbreaking. And those are the moments that it's hardest to deal with right now.