Finding my way - part 4

[Meghan]

Thanks for checking in and the kind words, everyone. I seem to have inadvertently taken a couple of days off from being here. I think this is a good thing - I've just been out doing things and taking care of stuff.

I've been a little up and down - probably more up than down, although today has been somewhat emotional. There are still a lot of triggers. I went grocery shopping just for me for the first time in a long time, and as I turned into the cereal, I though, "I'd give anything to have him back and be buying that stupid cereal he likes". It seems that everywhere I go I hear songs on the radio that we used to sing along to, see books that we've read together, or think of things that I want to tell him about. There are moments where it's been a real struggle to not just collapse to the ground in public and wail for awhile.

All these little mind traps keep cropping up, too. Not knowing where he is or what he's doing is hard. When he went home to visit, he got a new cell number because he was out of the country. I realised today he never gave it to me, so he now has a primary phone number that I don't know. I also find myself wondering where he is and what he's doing based on what IM account he's logged in on. I still wonder about his online friend, and it pains me that he must be talking to her more than he talks to me now, since he's not talking to me at all.

I saw both counselors yesterday. Both told me (numerous times) that I seemed a lot lighter and smiled a lot more than they'd seen in ages (well, actually, the MC said he's never seen me like this, which is true). He also confirmed that there wasn't a lot that I could have done with H. as disengaged as he was in counseling. We talked a bit about our last session - the one where the MC asked me directly about my issues, and H. got angry with me when I menntioned them. MC and I talked really frankly about the fact that I could see my contributions to this breakdown, but that H. has consistently denied his and gets really angry whenever anything about him gets brought up as a point of contention.

I said outright that the last few months have been hell, that I've been pushing aside my feelings and issues even in counseling, and that I've been agreeing with H. more than I would like because it seemed to be the only way to maybe get things stable enough to get him to do the work, and to keep what was already a tense situation from devolving into much greater anger on his part.

I think MC was concerned with the issues that I had and the fact that they weren't being brought up or recognized. I don't think he realised how far back they go or how fundamental they were (and, to be fair, I didn't really either). He did say that people have a tendency to adapt to greater levels of discomfort, so it's not surprising that I was able to pretend like everything that was going on was fine.

I've also had a chance to think more about what I want and need when talking with friends. When considering marriage with H. I never had grandiose visions of what our lives together would be like. I wasn't imagining houses in Toronto, New York, and LA. Or weekends in Paris. Or lots of cars in the driveway. I imagined tea in the mornings and reading the paper together. Going to the farmer's market. Maybe the odd weekend trip to Montreal. Possibly a small car so we could go places together. A little house at some point, with a spare bedroom so maybe we could have guests. Movie nights on Saturdays.

I got that last one - often after he got up at 3 or 4 or even 5 in the afternoon - but most of these things never happened, and it never felt like they were things we were really doing or even working towards. I'm not going to sit here and blame him for that, but it was a dynamic that we had and if we were ever to try to reconcile, I don't want to not get some of these pretty basic things.

On the more positive side, having a loaner car for a week (I don't own one) had made it a lot easier for me to get out and about and do things to take care of me. I've had some lunches out ad done a really big grocery run. I've also done some secondhand shopping - my favourite kind - and it seems that thrift store gods have granted some of my longstanding wishes for household goods. I got some new furniture for the apartment, dishes, glasses, cutlery, picture frames, books and various other things, so it feels a lot more like my space now, and perhaps even a space where I could actually have people over comfortably.

So, in short, I think I'm in an okay place. There are some things I need to think through and figure out that I'll be posting about here, but if nothing else, there's a huge sense of relief in my life right now. I get a bit of a break and I can heal. I'm doing the things that I need to and want to do. And, if nothing else, I'm cat sitting this week, and once a day I get to cuddle a small furry creature that seems to adore me and who purrs and headbutts my chin every five seconds after I pick him up.