I don't know if it's right or wrong, but I am going to post my thoughts here as opposed to keeping them in or telling them to her.
I have come to really love my wife again. I miss the old her, the way she smiled, the way she made me feel, the way her eyes looked, her smell, everything like that. I know it's not there anymore, at least now.
There are so many things that I want to do. How can you make amends for sins, when you can't? My insides are going tipsy turvy, I think of all the bad things I did, and do I really deserve another chance. I do not want to give up, I can't imagine not having her at my side.
I know this is all wrong, but it's what I feel. I lied a ton during our marriage, and it feels so terrible to fake happiness, and act like everything is okay. It seems like lie to me. I want to trust her, I want to tell her I am sorry, I want to say it will never happen again. I don't believe that yet though either. I don't think I'm strong enough to do it yet. I just want happiness with her and my D's.
Sorry for the length, I just need to vent instead of hold it in. That's what got me here in first place.
