I'm feeling foolish... Just occurred to me that what I was saying assumed he wants to reconcile. Which of course he doesn't yet. I just believe be will in time.
Ok. I get it. Duh.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Things may seem to be slowing down a bit, especially when it comes to getting in touch with that faraway person you've been dying to see. It's not just you. So getting upset won't work. Waiting will.
Duly noted. Again.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell, I'm just catching up, but I think it's so important that you know not only your limits, but what he outcome of any crossing of those limits is likely to be. Knowing when you're looking forward will save you from having to figure it out quite so much as you go along, and you're likely to be a lot more decisive and able to take action, if need be.
In the thick of things I didn't know mine (heck, I'm still not sure that I do, but they're getting clearer), and I was so desperate to make things stable enough to work on the marriage that I let a lot of stuff slide, particularly around the fact that my H. prioritized an online friendship he'd had for a few weeks over his wife's feelings and over working on the marriage. And I handled it in all kinds of crazy ways that didn't honour who I am and what I needed because I didn't know my own limits. I don't know if different behaviour would have eld to a different outcome - I doubt it - but I'd probably be a bit happier with myself now.
If nothing else, you're going to need to know this things for if you reconcile. Things can't keep being the way that they have been, and better you should know what you need now than trying to figure it out when you're also trying to make things work again with your H.
I get the impression that you're getting a clear sense of what it is that you need and want. Keep that in mind and don't let it go. Since your situation does seem to be moving forward, knowing these things about yourself is gold and gives you a solid foundation to work from as you go.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
This morning I was thinking about pushing too hard and trying to figure out what's wrong with me that it was so hard for me to see that more clearly.
Then I was thinking about how messy it would be if he dated, and hurtful (presumably) to the third party.
Then I wondered why I would be more concerned about a small hurt inflicted on an unknown and possibly mythical third party than I currently am about the massive, knee-buckling scars inflicted on me and the kids.
Then I thought about how rough D11 was on me yesterday and how frustrated I feel at not knowing how to respond to her in a way that calms her and helps me feel confident about how I parent her.
I think all these things are aspects of the same issue, which has to do with my sense of confidence and worth. But I'm not really sure what to do about it.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Also, I still don't want to go to dinner tonight. I haven't had a break from the kids in 2 1/2 weeks. D11 was rough yesterday and I want to rest from that. I don't want to say yes to every invitation, I don't want to interfere with the kids' time with their dad. On hearing they were having dinner tonight and spending this weekend with him, S8 said, wow, we're getting a lot of Dad time this week. Which hurt a little.
Will not going to dinner after laying that boundary look pushy, controlling, or manipulative?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Interesting point about the third party and worrying about her. Personally, I think that's the sign of a caring, compassionate person, but also probably another indication that you're concerned about your H.'s ability to care for and respect others and, by extension, you too. You're well aware of the hurt he's caused you, but knowingly inflicting that on someone else too can be read as another side of a pattern of not great behaviour.
For dinner tonight, is there a convenient excuse you can give? I'd probably be concerned about how not being there would appear, too, but if it's going to be damaging for you, or if you don't think you can get through it well or might react badly, I'd say skip it - no need to put yourself through that.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Hi Maybell! I'm just now reading your thread. It sounds like we have some things in common. My H and I are also resisting a legal S because it's going to make the R (and possible reconciliation) more difficult. (I believe we are in the same state, actually.)
Originally Posted By: Maybell
Then I was thinking about how messy it would be if he dated, and hurtful (presumably) to the third party.
Then I wondered why I would be more concerned about a small hurt inflicted on an unknown and possibly mythical third party than I currently am about the massive, knee-buckling scars inflicted on me and the kids.
I think this is partly out of compassion for others, but I also think that it's likely a way of (subconsciously?) rationalizing your objection to him seeing other people. If it's harmful to someone else, then you aren't against it just because it affects you and your family. It makes his behavior more objectively wrong, not just a personal offense to you.
I may have missed an update in your posts, but did you communicate this boundary to him yet? If not, I would sit on it for a while before doing so. As Meghan said, it's important to know not only the boundary but also what you will do when the boundary is crossed. You don't necessarily have to communicate the consequence to him, but I think you will need to be prepared to act if the boundary is violated. If you're not ready to do that (either because you don't know what the consequence will be, or because you're not quite ready to take that step), then I don't think it makes sense to lay the boundary yet. It will be bark with no bite. I do think that you should communicate the boundary to him at some point, though.
As for dinner -- no way would I go to dinner with my H and my D right now. I would go (and have gone) with just my H (and with just my D), but I don't trust our interactions enough to expose my D to them just yet. We're not volatile at all, but we both engage in "trigger" behaviors that cause grumpiness (my H) or sadness (me) rather easily.
If you don't want to go, I would just say something like, "Thanks for the invite, but I think I'll sit this one out. The kids are excited to see you and I think it will be good for them to have some alone time with you." Would that work for your sitch? (It sounds like they are spending most of their time with you -- am I reading that right?)
By all means, if you don't want to go to dinner, then cancel dinner. Let H and D go.
You deserve a break.
I don't think it's controlling or manipulative. You can be honest and just say that you need some time to yourself (which is distancing and therapeutic at the same time). Don't say it in a mean way -just a calm way.
