[LisaB]

Hi ganb8te,
Yeah I recall you saying that you felt connected to my story about my H's letter. It reminds me of a few months back, a friend of mine was suddenly dumped by her long term boyfriend. For some reason it really rattled me, of course I felt badly for her but it bothered me more than I would have expected. Now looking back I see that I must have felt some disturbance in my relationship and that was why her breakup scared me. I guess sometimes we just sense how things are going... I don't know.

I don't know if you have seen my rambling thread lately but I also have been questioning the benefit of dark/NC at this time. It doesn't seem to be exactly working the way I want it to. I decided that this week I will "try something different" and be more friendly. Maybe it is a dumb decision but I'm going to try it and see how it goes. I still won't be pursuing but I will make myself a bit more available to chat and be friendly when he contacts me. Maybe that will just make me more "boring" and friend-zone, we'll see!

I'm not sure how you can change it up if you don't want to be the one contacting him. Maybe someone else has good advice? It really depends on his personality. Did he usually initiate or did you always have to be the one reaching out? Someone mentioned the 5 LL. Do you know his? That might help? My H's is Quality Time I think, so going dark means I take that away from him which makes him sad and lonely, but perhaps fulfilling this need could also benefit us by bringing us closer.

What about asking for his help with something he is good at? That could also be another way to reach out without being super emotionally needy. You could try it without expectations and see how it goes. I was thinking of doing that as well, I actually mentioned something as an aside today and my H jumped at the chance to offer help. But I think there has to be no pressure, it has to be completely ok if he says no. And it should be something physical and not emotional support or help, in my opinion.

The other thing that has worked for me in the past is to casually suggest a shared activity that you both really like. Like let's say you are both into hiking, you could casually say "oh hey I am going hiking on this great trail, want to come?" again without pressure. Maybe he wouldn't join but maybe it would open up the possibility for next time. Just an idea, maybe all these are too pursuing.

While I don't envy the complicated situations of those with kids, it does make contact between the couple continue, which can give a chance to work DB.

I don't know if any of this babbling helps you at all. I'm wishing you the best and hope you can stay strong. It sounds like you are doing really well!

Hugs, Lisa B