U-turn, you are asking the same questions that I asked myself for months. And I don't have good answers.

I think that this whole process takes time. My understanding is that there is not one thing that we can do to alter the affair. It's got to run its course. So - fine. You've said you won't be in an open marriage (I did, too). But - I never gave a firm boundary of, "If you're in a relationship with this woman, then I will [fill in blank with boundary.]"

I know a lot about this man. I've known him since he was 21 years old. I know how important integrity is to him. And I suspect that at some point that is going to be eating him alive, if it isn't already.

Just the other day he said to me, "For the most part, I am a good person." He was looking for validation, desperately. I simply mirrored what he said to me. "For the most part, you are."

It was the truth. And the truth hurts. And it keeps him awake at night.

So...who knows if I'm doing this right. I'm only 9 months in and this could take a long time (yyaaaayyyy....). But - I've totally stopped any conversation about OW. It's been 8 weeks since we talked about her. I've stopped talking about our relationship. He on the other hand sent me a note the other day about MY merits. I don't know if he wanted a list of his merits back (I didn't send him one).

The boundaries are to protect you. If you feel okay with the boundaries that you have, then I guess that's fine. If you feel badly about the boundaries that you have, then adjust them.

I told H in no uncertain terms that I did not want to be in an open marriage, that I wanted a marriage based on honesty and fidelity. He's awake a lot of nights now, and quiet. I see him struggling. But I'm still avoiding relationship talks for my sanity. I've really got to work on GAL because that would be good for me anyway. I'm hopeful that at some point we will get to a place where he will say, "I've wrestled that demon to the ground, I think we should talk about our marriage, I'm sorry for what we've gone through..." But I don't think that's going to happen soon. I think he's got a lot of crap he's got to work on in himself first. I've got my own crap to work on.

So - am I willing to be in an open marriage? No. He knows. Honesty and fidelity - those are my goals. We are a long way off from those goals, but I have hope that I'll recognize the right time to talk about them.

I'm totally not helpful - but I'm empathetic to your pain.