Not sure what to do

[sandi2]

How do I communicate with someone who won't talk back?

I should be an expert, since I have lived with a person like that for most of my life. But unfortunately, I'm not. But I can share some things I've learned. You might say I've learned more of what not to do. (Kind of like MWD said about DBing. )

I have learned timing is crucial in everything, and especially communication. I've learned that a soft tone of voice gets me a lot further than an angry one. I've learned that my attitude usually has about 90% to do with the type of reaction (or lack of one)I'll get. I've learned not to approach him as if I'm attacking. I've learned he doesn't think I'm at all attractive when I criticize. I've learned he needs words of affirmation spoken to him, even if it's not his LL. I've learned I pay the price (him shutting down) when I disrespect him in front of others. I've learned my way of communicating is not everyone's way.

The biggest part for me has been learning to have patients. I mean when he starts to make a sentence today and it may be tomorrow before he finishes it....that takes me to a whole new level of endurance!

The hardest thing for me has been to accept the times he doesn't respond....as my clue to wait. He may decide to respond later, or he may never respond. However, I can't afford to react with a bad attitude (if I want the man to actually talk). Oh....that takes grace! I never have too much.

I hope you won't be like I've been most of my M. I use to get so angry when he wouldn't make some attempt to communicate. (I would have accepted a grunt, a sigh, even a glance in my direction.) I thought it was sooooo rude for him to mimic a knot on a log when I would try to talk to him. You can bet I took it very personal. And I would leave his presence with my feelings hurt or angry. Usually very angry...which got me nowhere but further down on his priority list.

Do I need to tell you the topic of conversation in most of these times? It would usually be about some relationship. Either our M, or his family, or me and some coworker or friend, etc.

Considering your circumstances, you may have to give this more time. While you are giving her the space/time, you need not be idle. You can set some tough personal goals to work on. B/c with all our resolve to never fall back into old habits or bad behavior....without enough practice, it will happen again. Even if you were to M a new person, it will happen again if you don't change your style. And if you tend to have a trigger reaction to other people's words/action....it will be a challenge for you. However, it can be done.

So, make this change your personal project. You will have an opportunity to test those new ways. Whenever I vow I will never say or do something again...I always get the test. Those tests (opportunities) help us turn our goals into accomplishments.

I hope the time apart will help both of you heal individually enough to be able to join together and heal as a couple. Seeing and hearing from you too soon might keep her wounds kind of raw, so please be careful and don't pressure.

I want to share something else. Before my H and I were engaged, he left for military boot camp. He was young and it was a really hard time for him. But let me tell you, when he came back home that first visit.....wow! He not only looked like a million bucks....but he had grown into a man. But after he had served his military time and was back home for good....he began slipping into a passive behavior, which made him less attractive. His family may have had a part in it, or I may have had a part (probably both). Others can influence us a great deal. Life can throw some cruel curve balls at us. If we don't stay alert and focused on who/what we want to be,in spite of it all,the results can be sad.

So I hope you will enroll yourself in a personal improvement boot camp. If you get the chance to return home to her, be sure those changes are cemented enough that it can hold up under stressful times.

Don't lose hope.