Thank you Zeus for your kind and uplifting words. Compliments in this house are scarce these days so it means a lot to me. I'm waiting for the emotions to kick in but instead I just feel more determined to fight. Call me crazy. Today would be our three year wedding anniversary. I'm not expecting anything but I am in mourning today.
This is some scary sh!t I'm walking into. I hope it's temporary insanity and not something that has been covered up all this time. I don't know this man and frankly I'm not sure if I want to. I'm back to questioning reality and my own sanity. I feel like I'm going crazy. He's more cunning than I gave him credit for. I saw him as this kind and gentle creature incapable of deceiving me and yet it all seems like a façade. But then all those feelings I felt--they were real. All the memories we shared--they happened. I felt his love for me--it was solid.
Could it really be completely unrelated to me? It can't all be purely physical, right? I'm having a hard time with that. He's lying about everything under the sun. I don't quite get why. I mean he's the one wanting a D. Why go through such lengths covering sh!t up? Just to think that one of the girls is just the next building over. I'm utterly disgusted. What kind of woman is she or are they to get involved with a married man? I mean I know at least one of them is like 25-35 lbs heavier than me and she's not very pretty. Here I am barely 5'2 and 109 lbs. I stay in shape and eat healthy. What do they have that I don't? WTF?
I think it's time for some anxiety meds or something because hyper alert that I can't sleep when I should and then sleep when I shouldn't. I'm attuned to every bit of squeak and creek in the house. My mind is on overdrive. I'm thinking there's someone in the other room with him and they're doing it right under my nose. I don't think this is really happening but it all feels very real.
How the heck has anyone been able to get through this without completely losing one's mind?
