Thought I should start a new thread. The name is from scripture, it is in James: Quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry... I am pretty good at controlling my anger as far as my husband is concerned (knock on wood), but I really need to work on listening and not just babbling and talking all the time. Underdog and Meredith had a great post about listening on one or both of their threads.
I am also really realizing how lousy I was in regard to my H's love language. I did acts of service for him all the time (which he could have cared less about) and ignored physical touch (his biggie) and words of affirmation (second on this list, I think).
While I am listening, when I am speaking to him now I am really trying to include affirmation. It is really hard, given what has transpired between us. I have also found that any time I can say "I respect you for that" that works well, too.
When I get nervous around H it is hard for me to not start babbling... I had a phone consult with Vernetta and she said just remember to say "let me think about that" when H says something that throws me... not to try to respond right there... give myself a safety net so I can come back to it later.
If you have not had a phone consult I would really suggest it. The counselors keep notes, the last time I talked to Vernetta was in May, before my H walked out and before I knew about the A, so she could relate what was going on with me now with what was going on with me then.
She was very good in affirming how very anxious and gunshy I am. She said anytime there is progression, change or movement in the sitch it is going to produce anxiety. She described it as pushing, pushing, pushing against a wall, and the wall finally no longer being there and you find yourself falling. How I feel exactly.
I have also been keeping a journal of babysteps, emails, etc. I would really encourage you all to keep one, too. I was able to talk to her about specifics of what has been happening. I also write down scripture that is meaningful to me in the journal also. If a baby step happens, I can go back and see when something else happened, too.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
2. If you worry, you didn't pray. If you pray, don't worry.
3. As a child of God, Prayer is like calling home every day.
4. Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
5. When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be still so God can untangle the knot.
6. Do the math. Count your blessings.
7. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
8. Dear God: I have a problem. It's me.
9. Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.
10. Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging.
11. The most important things in your home are the people.
12. Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional.
13. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open.
14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.
15. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
16. We do not remember days, but moments. Life moves too fast, so enjoy your precious moments.
17. Nothing is real to you until you experience it, otherwise it's just hearsay.
18. It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done.
19. Surviving and living your life successfully requires courage. The goals and dreams you're seeking require courage and risk-taking. Learn from the turtle -- it only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.
20. Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I love you new thread. And what a list! You are truly amazing, Holdingon. Your family continues to be in my prayers. Thank you for the inspiration!
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
