Quick to listen, Slow to speak

[holdingon]

Thought I should start a new thread. The name is from scripture, it is in James: Quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry... I am pretty good at controlling my anger as far as my husband is concerned (knock on wood), but I really need to work on listening and not just babbling and talking all the time. Underdog and Meredith had a great post about listening on one or both of their threads.

I am also really realizing how lousy I was in regard to my H's love language. I did acts of service for him all the time (which he could have cared less about) and ignored physical touch (his biggie) and words of affirmation (second on this list, I think).

While I am listening, when I am speaking to him now I am really trying to include affirmation. It is really hard, given what has transpired between us. I have also found that any time I can say "I respect you for that" that works well, too.

When I get nervous around H it is hard for me to not start babbling... I had a phone consult with Vernetta and she said just remember to say "let me think about that" when H says something that throws me... not to try to respond right there... give myself a safety net so I can come back to it later.

If you have not had a phone consult I would really suggest it. The counselors keep notes, the last time I talked to Vernetta was in May, before my H walked out and before I knew about the A, so she could relate what was going on with me now with what was going on with me then.

She was very good in affirming how very anxious and gunshy I am. She said anytime there is progression, change or movement in the sitch it is going to produce anxiety. She described it as pushing, pushing, pushing against a wall, and the wall finally no longer being there and you find yourself falling. How I feel exactly.

I have also been keeping a journal of babysteps, emails, etc. I would really encourage you all to keep one, too. I was able to talk to her about specifics of what has been happening. I also write down scripture that is meaningful to me in the journal also. If a baby step happens, I can go back and see when something else happened, too.