Guys, I think I haven't been clear...I did speak with my L and unless my d14 says that she wants to live with me as her primary household, my options are very limited. I have already spoken to my D about the fact that her mom has filed. I said pretty much exactly what was suggested. I'm not spinning about the text. I just mentioned it because I did it without even thinking. Got to be more aware before doing anything that involves my W.

My lawyer is the one pushing me to talk with my d14. Because my W just went ahead and filed what she wants as the final, I must file my response and at this point D's custody is the biggest sticking point. I spoke to my D and I was very clear that I want her to have access to both of us and would NEVER stop her from seeing her mom. As far as the school thing, she knows that she can't go and has resigned herself to the fact that she will be going to the school near her mom. She has even registered for classes and I have been talking it up, trying my best to get her excited about it. I have not once "bad mouthed" or blamed my W for any of this. When she asks I tell her that her mom felt that she needed to leave the M and she will need to ask her why. (The reason that she has given my D14 so far is just that it "wasn't happy here" meaning in our home, of course it doesn't explain why she felt the need to get D, just why she left.)

By just asking where she wants the primary household to be isn't really giving her the info she needs. She probably feels bad that she would need to choose between either of us and I don't blame her. If I had my way, I would be fine with splitting custody 50/50 if my W would be reasonable about NOT going into so much detail about where she MUST stay and when without any regard to D14's feelings. Even my W when this first started said that if we did 50/50 that we wouldn't need to have all the details spelled out, that we could do whatever it is that we felt best. The problem now is I can't seem to have a conversation with my W that doesn't end in her running away screaming if I don't 100% agree with whatever it is she wants or where I can trust her to not "change her mind" a week later. Having a "co-parent" type of arrangement would be great. It would allow leeway and changes in circumstances and schedules. It would show our D14 that we are reasonable adults that both love her and are doing what is best for her. But how is that possible when one parent isn't reasonable? The fact that my W has stated that she wants me to back "forcing" D14 to do things that she doesn't want to do because, as my W has said, that her "best memories" of her father from her childhood are when he forced her to do things with him that she didn't want to do. This is new for W. In the past 26 years she would talk about how much she hated that her father "forced" her to spend time with him and OW. That she felt so uncomfortable around him and hated every moment. It's only now that she is fully in replay that she thinks that he was right to do this.

I have totally accepted that my D won't be going to the school she has wanted to. That she will not know a single person at her new school. That she will most likely be left alone every day after school when she is at her mothers until late at night (very dangerous at her age!). That if my W has her way she will "force" my D to do things she just doesn't want to do. Stay with my W's new "friends" when she is called out of town for work. Now my W wants D's life to be mapped out by court order. Look, if it were up to me I would have kept things the way they were for a while and see how it worked after the start of school. W made that impossible because she got upset and pushed finalizing the D sooner than she had said she would. Now I'm forced to either experiment with seeing how things go and then trying to come up with more money for another lawyer later to change the custody arrangements or stop my w from doing this now, before I have a chance to see just how bad she is going to be about forcing my D to do things she doesn't want to do.

It also doesn't help that my W now isn't going to let me keep the house (it's paid off, no mortgage, it was paid off before my W went back to work. Another thing we decided together to do sacrificing new cars and vacations and such). She was going to do this because she knows that I needed her income and she promised to back me in my start up business then decided that she must get a D. Along with the fact that I cashed in my retirement ($46,000) when I started this so we had more savings to live off at first. This was from my job before we were married so it wouldn't have been split in a D. I also paid $20,000 to pay off a law suit that came up from student loans from before we were married and I wasn't liable for, again from money earned by me before she went back to work. In return I wasn't going to ask for half her retirement money, spousal support or sole custody of D14 and child support. (Again, the custody thing was because of how my W said it was going to work, not how she has now spelled it out). Now my w wants me to just be able to live in the house until D14 turns 18 and sell it and give her half. She doesn't have to help pay for any upgrades I make, taxes, upkeep, getting it ready to sell, etc.

So, she gets to leave me with a negative balance in checking account because she didn't tell me that she wasn't putting her salary in the joint account while she was still living at home and allowed me to keep paying the bills, get all the antiques we bought at her grandmothers estate sale ($5,000+ spent and worth more than that now), keep all the retirement she has since starting her job (I cashed mine in), no spousal support even though for the first time in 20+ years I needed her income and she promised that she would back me, (She earns 7 times what i do at this time) and she gets to keep half the proceeds from the sale of the house and her car that was in both our names. Not to mention that over the years all our tax return money (even when she wasn't working) went to pay off her student loans from before we were married. I also allowed her to take the best furniture and appliances when she left, again, because she had said i was getting the house.

I'm really not spinning per se. I don't like that I must make these decisions right now but that isn't my doing. I'm actually calmer than I have been in the past about it all except having to speak to my D14 about the custody issue. I should have known that my W would end up going back on everything we agreed to from what I have seen on this board. From past experience over the last year. Well, I didn't and now I have to respond and I really want to do so in a way that least affects my D in a negative way.

Sorry this was so long but I could tell from all the responses that I hadn't given enough info. Thanks for your patience!