I just thought that I rushed back from detachment too soon.
Do you see retreating to the basement as detaching? I am not the best in describing detachment. I believe I understand it, but to find the right words to paint the picture to a hurt & confused LBS....not so good. Some word I may use could give you the completely wrong idea. So, I am going to copy & paste a piece that "25yrs" passes around to others. It's a little long but it's the best description I have seen so far. Please read it through to the end.
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded when we are not detached enough -- and then we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
We cannot control the actions of another.
We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal and it is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want, so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
Here is another piece on Detachment which MAY clear it up some for you...
2). What is detachment?
Detachment is the: * Ability to allow S (spouse) the freedom to be himself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix my S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be himself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Willingness to accept that I cannot change or control or "fix" S. Admitting that it is not my job, duty or even loving, to try and change/control or "fix" my S.
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from S, to whom I have previously given a lot of power to affect my emotional outlook on life.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, with whom I have become overly enmeshed or dependent, in order that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for S's failure or faltering. Allow S to experience & learn from failure, without my judgement or comment.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective, recognizing that there Can be a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from involvement with S.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions, even if their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow S to be who he "really is" rather than who I "want him to be."
* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by S who in the past has been overly dependent or enmeshed with me.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
