I'll journal some stuff here, just because. It means nothing, or something, or nothing. Just want to record it.
- Since I came back from vacation, W has been sleeping in guest room. This really makes no difference to me anymore, but it does remind me of the whole "the marital bed goes with the people in the marriage" fiasco. If that separation helps her, I'm all for it.
- I noticed she took our wedding pictures off the dresser while we were on vacation. There was still a dual frame with his/her baby pictures. If she's going to get all silly with pictures, I don't want to lose mine, so I quietly removed my baby picture last weekend. Later that day, the whole frame was gone. No words on any of this.
- Our conversation Wednesday night ended with "You know my position, and I now have a good idea of your position. Take back the new curtains, and don't spend any money on the house." Something might have sunk in; maybe, maybe not. Panic, or relief? W did go for an unscheduled therapy session the next day.
- W started on a different AD last week, stronger with more side effects.
- W made dinner Saturday night. It's been a while.
- W made brunch Sunday morning. I've been doing weekend brunch for years.
- W stayed home each night this weekend. No running with the posse.
- No suspicious texts/calls since that conversation. Just a few long calls to girlfriends. Even calls to posse have tapered off. [or gone underground]
- Something is happening with W -- fake, real or fear, who knows? She's still not talking. When I come home and ask her how she is, I get a one word response.
- I feel different. Kind of relieved, but still very troubled about impact of D to kids. I sleep better, but still wake up in the middle of the night. Can't really explain it - borderline acceptance I guess. I really can't hold this together if W doesn't want it. And if she does decide she wants M, she'll have at least 6 months of D processing time to convince me something could work. I'm glad I wrote that position letter. It's still a standing offer to R. W has choices, free of my control. Now she has to decide what she believes: Her "You're incapable of loving me." or my "I've stood by you through multiple A's. You've done nothing this year but test how much I love you, and I'm still here offering R." That has to be confusing. Confuses the heck out of me.
- I have all paperwork done and financials ready. L called yesterday to ask if he could put me off filing for a week - a scheduling thing. I'm patient, I'll wait. But seriously, a coincidental one week delay just as I think I see W changing? Some higher power is toying with me.
What is going on with W, is it in any way real and positive, just testing, or maybe she knows she has to get her shi* together to make it on her own? It appears that she is stopping some of the destructive behavior. Does any fog clear? I know that W changing behavior in no way implies anything with respect to me. I can hear Bond yelling "Mindreading!"
