Maybell VI

[claire7]

Maybell,

Just wanted to chime in a bit-- i don't have any great advice to add, because i happen to be struggling with similar questions, and in many ways (though not all) we seem to be in similar places. (the ring! oh, the ring! And Is he dating?? And do I even get to ASK him that??) I will try to post a more coherent response later, and also need to update my thread.

There are some real positives in your sitch. Is it possible to just take them at face value? Can they fit into what your H has said to you (pretty amazing that he opened up like that, right?), without attaching any more meaning to it than that? Letting yourself feel ok with the status quo FOR NOW (3 more months?) might be more attractive to him than trying to push or question why it's not moving faster. Whaddya think?

[Maybell]

I didn't really think that asking him not to date and telling him how I felt about that very firmly wasn't pushing his timeline since he said in the conversation that he was averse to being in a relationship but not to having light interactions with other people, including me.

The truth is, he said he wants me to like him and to respect him. In that case, he needs to know that my liking and respecting him will be VERY DAMAGED by his dating other women. It may be unreasonable, it may damage our chances at reconciling, but it is TRUE and it's important that he have that information. It's also true that I can say that clearly and concisely to him in an email more easily and calmly than if we were having a face to face conversation.

I'm kind of stunned that he was as responsive to me today as he was. I am truly OK with him where he is AS LONG AS he doesn't date other women. I also would really prefer to not do anything to the legal situation. There is less flexibility here than there appears to be in other states; whatever settlement we come up with for the legal separation is meant to be final for the divorce, if it occurs, and I would prefer to delay doing that for as long as possible. It's not like I can have my concerns alleviated and the legal situation settled on a temporary basis. I do have the process moving with my attorney, slowly, but I think it's better not to go down that road if we don't have to.

That said... yes, I can exist where I am for now quite happily and maybe my takeaway here is that when we go to have the conversation he talked about that I suggest that we agree to keep the status quo for 3-6 months and then revisit. He may or may not have a counter, but at least I can say something that gives him an out if he comes to feel like he needs it. I may feel differently myself by then.

I truly liked him personally so much better today than I have done in a long time... he was so much more mature, responsive, respectful... He was, in short, a guy I'd actually like to date, and I don't want to rush the process if it means short-changing myself of the opportunity to do that with him. Again.

I also, for what it's worth, liked myself better talking to him. I felt calmer and readier to listen. He apologized for not being in the same place in his feelings for me that I am in for him and I could hear it and understand kind of what he meant. He said he cares for me and doesn't want to hurt me. But he's got to do what he's got to do. And knowing what I do of him, I can see that that's true.

So I guess it was kind of pushing. But it's like the not being friends thing. It's coming from a true place.

Claire, with regards to your sitch... My IC has been advocating all along that I speak directly to my H, and that I use as few words as possible to get my meaning across because he's noticed that I'm... ahem... a bit wordy. And H loses focus when I throw too many words at him. So I'm trying that because, why not? So text and email work well for that right now. I look forward to reading your update, though.

Allons-y!!

[vossy]

I see what you're saying. I respect you for being willing to lay down some boundaries, because I know that I have at times felt like it's not worth rocking the boat, even if it means putting myself last.

With that said, I visit your thread every day because I feel like your situation IS moving forward. You might not see it, because you're in it, but from an outsider's perspective, there is real progress here. I enjoy your thread because it shows that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And I guess I would just say that if you have an interaction with your H that leaves you feeling positive (i.e. like you did today, after your conversation), I would take that and run with it for a while before I threw any new information into the mix.

Also, in regard to what claire7 said, I agree about face value. If he says he doesn't want to be in a relationship, maybe that's what he means.. and that he won't be dating other women, etc?

[Maybell]

Vossy, that's a great compliment. It's true, I don't always see the positives. Yesterday I was sure he was already dating other women. Today I just got the impression he was considering it.

Well, things are stable for the next two weeks at least, and hopefully will continue on so for a little while after. Plus, bonus! I a get a new washer & dryer!! lol

Thanks for all the support with the oversharing.

[labug]

I have to agree with vossy, you seem to be pushing. Hard.

Is this the new you or the old you? What would the 180 be?

He stays, he goes, you're going to be fine either way.

Enjoy where you are.

[Maybell]

OK.

The old me pushed in a demanding way but ultimately took whatever he dished out.

The new me is trying to lay limits to what I will take. I'm trying to be more honest with him and to understand him better. Before we were always quiet or I was whining, nagging, or hollering in an attempt to be heard.

Since I will have the opportunity to backtrack when we have the conversation in person, how can I be true to myself and protect the kids' & my stability without pushing him about this issue?

Yes, he stays, he goes, I'm fine either way. However, I want some time to adapt to things before I have to make moves (I'm still very concerned about losing the house). That's what asking to slow down on the legal separation is about. And I like the current level of friendly interaction that doesn't demand a whole lot of me, but I do worry about letting myself get more invested him him. If he starts dating I know for certain I will withdraw because I'm not going to react the way he did with OW.

I've taken a lot from several different directions. I'd like to stop TAKING things.

[labug]

If you have non-negotiables, you have non-negotiables. I don't see that discussing them with him is necessary. But maybe it is.

I asked the question on Claire's thread, if he dates does that mean you file?

What do you mean by protecting your kids' and your stability?

[Maybell]

If he dates, I withdraw a LOT. Not necessarily file, but only because at this point I'm not ready to do that anyway. I don't know that it necessarily needs to be discussed any further, I just wanted him to know my position because he'd said he thought we should discuss it. I don't want to discuss it. I do think it would be incredibly hurtful to the 3rd party to bring her into his situation and I would be disappointed to find that he's the sort of person who could do that to someone. In addition to how I would feel for myself.

When I said I wanted to delay the legal separation, it's because the way it works in our state something dramatic would happen with the house and I don't want to be in that position at this time. I'm not ready to deal with the house, especially at the beginning of a new school year.

[labug]

Sometimes our answers come when we let go and sit back and watch.

If he's does those things, you have your answer, right?

[Maybell]

Well, I was the one pursuing legal separation. He just agreed to it. He hasn't done the first thing about it.

It's a hard habit to break, trying to treat him like a partner.

Yes, OK, sit back and watch. Also hard for me to do. There's the 180.