1st post. Long but please read, help!

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks 25. You provide so much good feedback I'm thrilled to have you keeping up on my posts. I got a reply to my email: "thanks." Par for the course.

Try to leave that^^ alone but at the same time see that she could have reacted much worse.

& To ME, that response (and here I am, MINDREADING!!), might mean she is a tad chagrined. She likely knows she over reacted.

She also feels (as you recognize) that a LOT of bad things have happened in the past and she's very emotionally "sore". She will be for some time.

You're wise to realize that it's not necessarily today's faux pas or mistake that she's reacting to, it's today's pain from yesterday's injury...

make sense?


Yes, this was a big breakthrough moment for me. In the past I've gone to one of two extremes. Either I'd let it cut my heart out and apologize extensively to try to make her stop being angry with me...or I'd roll my eyes and dismiss what she was saying because it seemed so disproportionate.


but now you can see that it's sort of "not" so disproportionate - in the context of where she is on her path towards a new R with you?

She has to let go of a whole lot of pain in order to heal and then rebuild with you.

She may not want to but no matter what she thinks her path is, ALL paths to wellness, will eventually require her (& all of us) to let go of our past pains...

that happens to really benefit YOU, as well as her, so it's a win win.

Let her feel it & let her react and then let it go... (besides, what choice do you have? OH yeah...none)

Do you get that?

Now I'm trying to walk a middle ground of not letting her reactions hit me as hard emotionally, while still honoring her feelings underneath.

Cool...good stuff.

Not just the surface issue of the mug, but how this symbolizes her feelings of hurt and neglect in the R.

YES...yes.

And let me tell you. It does help to let to a bit. This would've really hurt me before. But I just get she's going to be dripping with scorn for a while and I need to focus on me.

Anger/hurt festering pain And this is gross but illustrative...

"the putrid boil has to be "lanced" before it can heal." And she is spewing it out. Let her! Don't take it in...but do let her get rid of it. Back to YOU...


Although I have a bad sense of humor and part of me wanted to send back "yeah, I know what it means to lose something with a lot of memories. You lost a coffee mug. I lost my house. It's been pretty tough on both of us..." But that's just a joke for us DB'ers, I'm not comparing pain for a minute and know she has hurt deeply for a long time or we wouldn't be here. I assure you I regret my part of it and don't even pretend to understand just how much pain I caused.

Interesting comment...and probably accurate but I wonder if you should try to understand it or at least see it, and if so, for how long.

If my h really knew how much he had hurt our 2 d's when he left, I'm not sure he could handle it. I actually wonder if he'd flee the country b/c his shame would be that deep. I feel for him

But I also see him, now and then, trying to gloss over it b/c Imo, he begins to get an inkling and it's too painful for him. At those times I worry that I have to gently yet with clarity, remind him NOT to do that.

He and our d's are STILL working on their r's and it has been 5/7 years since he left us and later returned.
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