Onto another square

[Zues126]

Paz, I'm so sorry. I don't know how I can help other than to say I am praying for you during your darkest hours.

It may be an addiction. It may be temporary insanity. But there is one thing I don't believe is that is has anything to do with you. I have been reading a lot about porn. I have used it my entire life up until 6 weeks ago. I read about it again tonight because I feel like my M is completely over and it seems like the stupidest time to quit when I'm totally by myself and feeling down. But the point is that at times like this I read about the addiction instead to remind myself why I am stopping.

The fact is that it is a form of self medication. That's it. It has nothing to do with how good of a W you are, how beautiful you are, etc. I never cheated on my W but I'm sure there is a rush you get from feeling attractive enough to seduce other women, etc. But in the middle of it is a deep hole, a lack of self worth, insecurity, loneliness, misery, and the need to cover it up. We grab anything when we fall.

That doesn't make it ok, mean you should forgive him, trust him, or be willing to give him another chance. I have no idea when to confront him, or how to walk that fine balance between being empathetic and giving him a chance to course correct vs. setting boundaries. I don't know. It's tough.

I just want you to detach, rise above, realize it has nothing to do with the wonderful person you are, and that it's similar to him binge drinking at the bar or having a gambling problem. Maybe that's a good way to think of it. If it was a gambling problem how would you treat it? That makes it easier to see past how it makes you feel and instead look at him compassionately. Doesn't mean you'd lend him money or sign on a credit card, or even stay with him. But I hope it makes it easier to feel good about your growth. You have given so much to me and others on this board I hope you know you are special, and deep down your H knows it. I pray it will come to the surface.