afraid I have waited too long #4

[nit84]

Continue now to a post about my part of the discussion. The refinance of the house to loan that will be in my name only but W will still be on the deed of the house.

She finished talking about the property settlement by saying this will make it a smooth transition when she moves out. I said do you know when that will happen she said no but when all this is done. I said ok.

She asked what I had for her. I told her I was advised by my L to propose it to you this way. I had everything written down and went line by line.

She said I think you are jumping the gun a little. I asked why? because she told me back in June that I was roadblocking her not finding how much money I was eligible for and if I wanted to keep the house.

I explained that I was honoring her request and had been working on this for almost 2 months to make it happen.

The long and short of it is. If she signs the papers I will assume all her debt as well as mine and she will only have to pay 30% of a reduced mortgage amount and utilities while she is living here for however long.

Basically, she will be paying 350.00/ month and have a house not an apartment and she will still be part owner. If she moves out I told her I would pay it all.

She said well I do I get my half of the house, I said you basically are getting that by me assuming all your debts. My L seems to think I explained it correctly but W doesn't get it or is mad because the house isn't worth what she had in head that it was worth. I went a bit further and had a private appraisal performed and it came in 10,000.00 lower just like I suspected so this is the best deal we are going to get. She believes the house is worth more I said well you are a free to get an appraisal yourself. She is thinking about it. She doesn't know I did one.

She is under the impression that if she moves out she wont be paying any bills anyway I told her she is still responsible for her portion of the mortgage, the 2nd mortgage and the credit cards.

She said if that is the case she isn't not moving out and will live in every damn bit of her half of the house. I said that is your right.

I told W I get it I know you want out, It breaks my Heart but I understand and wont stop you from going and that is why I went ahead and set this loan up for myself to relieve you of any debt so you can have a fresh start.

She started saying I told you a couple years ago to refinance but you wouldn't. I said we tried but got denied because of loan to value and the amount of debt we had. I explained back then that we have to hit a threshold then all will be good. That threshold would have happened last year had it not been for S but we have now hit it and the money is there for us to take. She is refusing because it seems too easy for me to get the house.

I told I am not getting the house right now we are still married and this is just me taking out a loan on our house myself that just happens to pay off my debt and your debt.

Then she started getting upset and saying "I will take my debt with me I don't care." I said well that is your right so think about it and let me know, we have till the no of the month.


One of the things that has bothered my W for about 5 years is the amount of debt we had and she thought we were destitute. I told her we are fine and just need to pay down debt and not use Credit cards. That is what has happened over the last 5 yrs. She said back then that she understood what "our" plan was and it was exciting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Somewhere between then and last year she jumped off the plan without my knowledge or my lack of listening skills back then and started to get it in her head that I didn't want kids.

I honestly thought I explained to her that this plan was pretty flexible and if a baby came along things would still be ok it would just delay things and a new plan would need to be considered together to our new family's best interest.

This financial plan was in effect a couple years before, If you are familiar with my thread,I really knew that we needed to start having kids but couldn't tell this to my W.

I wish I recognized the signs. I talked with my W about this probably twice a month and never picked up on her unhappiness.

I think part of the reason she is balking at signing is because she is no longer included in my future plans. Don't get me wrong if she wants to work on things, even though a lot has happened, I would be willing. She knows this so I am not saying that to her. I am moving on with things that I think will help me but honestly by default she is benefitting also.

It is possible that me doing this for myself but she gets help from me is making her feel like I still am rescuing her in a sense?

Does she maybe feel like if she is going to fail as long as she does it independently of me that that is better then accepting help from me which is not my intent at all.

I understand it is all emotional for the most part on her side and I am trying to be more logical about things. It is just hard to make sense of why she wouldn't want to be debt free and away from me and she has said many times that is her desire.

If anybody can help me understand a bit better please do.