And Ox, I was scared to death to do what I did. I just knew that the way things were going we could not successfully give our new relationship a chance to succeed. I also knew that I personally could not live in a situation like that. You have been putting up with this for too long in my opinion, but everyone is different.
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
I also knew that I personally could not live in a situation like that. You have been putting up with this for too long in my opinion, but everyone is different.
Yep, exactly. To me, that's the beauty of boundaries, or -- as I like to call them -- "My Boundaries of Personal Integrity." Only YOU know what they are, but they should be a very short list; your "dealbreakers," as it were . . . those things that you, as a person with your values, morals and ethics, simply CANNOT ABIDE.
And this is how it works, in practical application: If you decide that "I will not live in an open marriage," and you state that as a boundary to a cheating spouse, and if that drives them away from you, and toward the other person? Well, then that's THEIR CHOICE, and them cheating -- and staying with me -- wasn't an option for me anyway, based on my own authenticity and values, so what have I lost?
All I've lost in that instance is something that I could not have abided anyway.
"You must choose between her or me" is an ULTIMATUM. It's about THEM.
Boundaries should be about YOU -- "I will not live in an open marriage." It's then up to the other person to decide what to DO with that information you've now shared with them.
W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21 33 years M 28 DD 3 Feb 11, 2014 S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
Thanks, but this isn't about who has the best "lines" or pithy retorts. It's about the proper and healthiest overall ATTITUDE, and what kinds of CORE BELIEFS you need to decide that you have . . . and then learning how to project those and, when necessary, enforce them.
Your CORE BELIEFS come first, and then your STRATEGY should flow from that, and then finally your TACTICS flow from your strategy. I don't think you've ever really figured out the first part of this, and if you ever do, I think you're obviously a really bright and personable guy -- I really think the strategy, tactics and "lines" will flow naturally from you.
You need to LOSE THE FEAR, and figure out what it is that really IS non-negotiable in your life, and in your marriage.
This. It was my biggest obstacle. And the more stories I read on here, the more I realize that it's something with which most everyone struggles when a M is on the brink.
That feeling of fear is REAL. We don't want to lose our spouses.
But we've already lost them. So what more do you stand to lose by dropping the rope, refusing to accept unacceptable behavior and moving on with your own life, knowing you'd LOVE to have your W back ... but also knowing you'd be okay without her?
Once you realize that, you will begin to naturally stop acting out of fear.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
These are the things I have needed to hear and yes there is a lot of fear.
This weekend I fell back in love with her to the point that I really need to figure out what I want and just go for the gusto.
I have never been afraid if anything in my life until my Sitch.
Last edited by Oxford1; 08/11/1410:40 PM.
W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21 33 years M 28 DD 3 Feb 11, 2014 S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
This. It was my biggest obstacle. And the more stories I read on here, the more I realize that it's something with which most everyone struggles when a M is on the brink.
That feeling of fear is REAL. We don't want to lose our spouses.
But we've already lost them. So what more do you stand to lose by dropping the rope, refusing to accept unacceptable behavior and moving on with your own life, knowing you'd LOVE to have your W back ... but also knowing you'd be okay without her?
Once you realize that, you will begin to naturally stop acting out of fear.
I think part of my fear has been that I did not want to mess things up for S16 and S21 especially with S21's fiancée moving in.
The thing is it should be the opposite all of them are very supportive of me and if me trying to save Our Marriage.
