Believe me...it isn't yucky stuff. We've seen some pretty graphic stuff around here. You're not alone here.
I do want to make a comment on your previous comments about your addictions.
If I recall correctly, you've been engaged to 3 different women and they've all been called off/broken off. I am guess it is all because of your learned behaviors and panic about marriage.
All of that shows me a man who is low on emotional intelligence. I believe this is the key area that ties together all of your patterns, habits, attitudes, values, and learned behaviors. On top of it, you're seeking out the ideal Mother Mary/Madonna woman. FYI...she doesn't exist at all.
A person with a healthy set of emotional IQ tends to have happier and healthier marriages. Research backs this up through the works of Gottman.
I'm curious to know what "marriage" model your parents showed you in the house.
-Were they affectionate toward each other? -Have any couple time together? -Did they fight fair? -Did they bicker? -Demonstrate any conflict resolution skills? -Did any one of your parents have an affair (or multiple affairs)?
