It's strange how we begin to see things differently after M. B/c before M, I saw my H as being the "strong silent type". After M I realized he was just didn't have anything to say....and was passive. His family, on the other hand, were all very outspoken. He was the only one who never seem to express his feelings or opinion.
I was only 18 when we M and I won't go into all the details, but things were not good. I was not mature enough to deal with all that came crashing down on us. Right off the bat my feelings were hurt b/c of something that was said by his mother to him (behind my back and in front of the other family members)and he didn't come to my rescue. No defense, no protection, no speaking up or standing up to his mother or any other family member who said something down through the years. They were a large family who gathered throughout the week (some of them met daily to discuss everyone's business).
So anyway, that was the beginning of what would be decades of resentment on my part, which led to other problems. I found it very difficult at times to be sexually interested in a man who would allow his family to talk about his W in his presence and him not speak up on her behalf. My hurt by the things they would say turned to anger...and then directed at him.
I grieved for the young man I fell in love with. I honestly cried and yearned for him b/c he simply was gone. But I believe my H grieved for that sweet 18 yr old bride he M. She died!! In her place was something that must have resembled a shrew. I hope that's not how he saw me, but IDK.
You see, I felt so betrayed and alone. Not only b/c he didn't stand up for me, but b/c he never validated my feelings! Heck, he wouldn't look at me when I would try to tell him how upset I was. With each new offense, I would let him know how hurt or angry I was. When he didn't give any response, I felt even worse. No protection, no defense, no response, and no validation.
Then I began to criticize him. I thought I was "explaining" how I felt in our MR, but I know it was heard as criticism....and it was. I wanted my H to value me most of all. And I'm sure He wanted me to respect him. But neither was happening.
We have had a lot of struggles down through the years. The worst came seven years ago when I met OM on line. I was much like you described about your W and her faithfulness to God, Church, family, etc. So I understand how it can happen. It all goes back to those emotional needs we have.
I would plead with anyone to learn how/what to do to change and improve themselves in order to have a better M. Resentment and stubbornness are killers in a M! Waiting for the other S to make the first move will deteriorate your love for each other.
It is not always easy to face our S and admit our wrongs. Lord knows I have too much pride! It took me a long time before I would apologize for my A. I was angry at my H and felt that our unhappy M for all those decades drove me to have an A. (I am not saying I was right....only what I felt.) Truth was, both of us broke down the relationship. He couldn't be emotionally intimate...and it affected me in being physically intimate. But I will always believe it started b/c I never felt that I was valued above everyone else in his life.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
