1. When I end first/walk away first... this seems to come across as rejection and shuts him down. I've replayed a few conversations where it sounds as though I've shut the door on further contact: "Well, talk to you tomorrow, I guess. Bye." "Is there anything else? I've got ---blank---to do." (Walking away)
Now I see where he would have kept it going had I not shut the door in his face. We're having a nice chatty phone conversation and I'm thinking, "End this first!", so I sort of shut down and sign off... It was only later that I realized I was shutting it down, NOT him. I think he'd keep it going but for the fact that he believes I don't want to.
So I'll have to play with this and see if it changes.
How do you think you could change/influence this dynamic? Perhaps let him know gently as in "I'd love to chat with you all night. I need to tend to the animals (or whatever task you need to take care of). We can do this again tomorrow (or some other date/time). "
This will let him know that you're not shutting things down and making him aware that you do have to attend to "life" stuff.
Originally Posted By: GGG
2. He is acting as though I have DUMPED HIM. So much of how he's acting is saying that I have rejected him... and he's just making the best of it.
If I remember correctly, you stated in one of your earlier threads that you threw H out of the house when you discovered OW. In a twisted way, you did reject H. We all get that you had very valid reasons to do so...that was your boundary. I think one can have no OW boundary while living in the same house.
You might want to brush up a bit on Raine's thread and rip a page or two from her playbook when she told H that it was up to him to decide to move to the master bedroom from the couch. In other words, you will need to figure out a way to gently lay down the crumbs so H can find his way to the front door of the Hansel & Gretel house.
Originally Posted By: GGG
In our previous R, I was always independent, busy, had my own friends and my own fun. So this is not a 180 for me. IT's MORE OF THE SAME.
I have to be careful that I don't give the impression that he's irrelevant. Because he's not. I honestly think I'm coming across as intimidating and unattainable. Especially in his lowly state.
I want to caution you that you would want to be your true authentic self here. If this is who you really are, then I wouldn't change this aspect just to appease/please H in mollifying his own inadequacy. I am guessing that this particular trait is what initially attracted H to you, right?
Originally Posted By: GGG
Although I don't want to be in the "friend zone" forever, if he doesn't feel comfortable around me as a friend now, if he doesn't spend quality time with me, how will he ever remember all the best things about me and about the bond that we share?
That sort of friendship is what draws back the MLCer back into the home. Let's face it...the sex drive drops to near zero. I remember feeling numb and not feeling it "sexually" for Ms. Wonka even if I had my own OW. That is our wacky worldview at that stage.
You would want to keep the door open and ajar for H. Keep going, GGG! You're doing really, really well.
