Stimulus-Response: The Experiment Continues

[GoatGal]

Well, I managed to keep any conversation away from my sitch for the rest of my "Girls' Weekend".

Meanwhile, I was subjected to discussion "ad infinitum" about this pretty boy and that who might or might not turn into the romance of the decade...
And pictures. And MORE pictures...

Yup. And they're giving me advice.
Thanks, but no thanks. I think I have a LOT more experience in this area.
After all, GUBU was hardly my first...
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Anyhow, I've had some interesting observations to enter into my Experiment Log:

Up until now, I was pretty much blindly following the DB/Sandi's rules assuming this practice was working to my benefit.

In hindsight, I think 90% of it was extremely helpful, 10%, not so much.

Now that DBing is getting easier and I don't have to focus so intensely on MY end of things, I am able to be more observant of GUBU and his reactions.

Here's what I've noticed:

1. When I end first/walk away first... this seems to come across as rejection and shuts him down.
I've replayed a few conversations where it sounds as though I've shut the door on further contact:
"Well, talk to you tomorrow, I guess. Bye."
"Is there anything else? I've got ---blank---to do." (Walking away)

Now I see where he would have kept it going had I not shut the door in his face.
We're having a nice chatty phone conversation and I'm thinking, "End this first!", so I sort of shut down and sign off...
It was only later that I realized I was shutting it down, NOT him.
I think he'd keep it going but for the fact that he believes I don't want to.

So I'll have to play with this and see if it changes.
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2. He is acting as though I have DUMPED HIM.
So much of how he's acting is saying that I have rejected him... and he's just making the best of it.
I don't think he has the guts to ask anything of me, ask to come home, hang out, or anything.
When I think back over a lot of our interactions, I can see where his confidence has taken a nosedive.
This has been compounded by my GALing where he may be under the impression that I am involved with someone else, or that I will be soon.
(Not.)

In our previous R, I was always independent, busy, had my own friends and my own fun. So this is not a 180 for me. IT's MORE OF THE SAME.

I have to be careful that I don't give the impression that he's irrelevant.
Because he's not.
I honestly think I'm coming across as intimidating and unattainable.
Especially in his lowly state.
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3. I keep thinking back to my mother and when she was in a severe depression.
She was irrational, suspicious (accused me of stealing her old tea towels, among other things), and she was generally miserable.
One thing that stands out is that whenever I was around her and started laughing and having fun with one of her Aides, she would SHUT IT DOWN.
She'd do something to interrupt us, get the focus back on her... clearly she couldn't handle other people being happy and upbeat.
It literally P*SSED HER OFF!

I see the same with GUBU.

He's not happy. He's lonely.
And even though on some level he must know intellectually that I'm really struggling here, it STILL makes him MAD if he knows I'm having some fun in my life.
It makes no sense, but it's true.
The happier I get, the more resentful he becomes.

So I will continue to detach and GAL and have fun, but just scale back on how much I let him know about it. I don't need to rub his nose in it.

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4. When I keep the door open, H seems more comfortable stepping through it.
This last weekend he was sending me cute pics of our animals, letting me know what he was doing, I was validating his efforts, keeping the lines open.
As soon as I shut him down (ending first) he just drops off the radar.
It's as if he has no right to ask anything of me, to be in my life, so he takes his cues from me and just doesn't even bother.

I think at this point, cake-eating isn't as much of a concern as losing the connection we do have.
He is doing nothing horrible that I have to turn my back on him for.

Although I don't want to be in the "friend zone" forever, if he doesn't feel comfortable around me as a friend now, if he doesn't spend quality time with me, how will he ever remember all the best things about me and about the bond that we share?

Just my thoughts on a Monday...

---GGG