Maybell VI

[vossy]

Do you have any idea why your mother is so gung-ho about you moving forward with your life? What is her motivation there?

As for the invite to lunch, my 0.2 cents on the phrasing is that he wants you to join. I think that's just a "guy" way of phrasing it.. in my experience, that's how they word things. Put it this way, if he *didn't* want you there.. he'd make that clear.

[claire7]

^^^ I was thinking the same thing (and I can also empathize, because it drives me NUTSO, too! I mean, can't you just SAY what you mean?!?) I think maybe they phrase it that way out of fear of looking vulnerable.

[vossy]

Something like that Whatever the reason, it makes me crazy too

[Mat]

I think it's a genuine invite, though he may still be in "let's be friends" mode. But you're right, doesn't mean you have to go!

[LisaB]

I'm with claire7, I think they do it out of fear you will say no and they will look weak. But like the others, I agree that you shouldn't go if you don't want to. And I think a true invitation is always the best kind, and worth waiting for.

Maybell you sound strong! Sorry your parents aren't being supportive but at least your siblings are.

Hugs, Lisa B

[bashy]

I agree with Mat, Maybell. If you don't want to go then don't feel you have to

[labug]

I love AlAnon, it gave me such insight into enabling and codependency and great slogans to implant those things in my brain.

One of my faves, "Don't go to the hardware store or bread." Meaning, you're parents aren't going to give you the support you crave right now, so don't go there with them, don't expect it. It would seem your M hasn't let go of you, she doesn't see you as a married woman, mother of children, capable of living her life. It's easy to get stuck there. I have to work on it with my adult children.

They love you but they are who they are. Boundaries, my friend, boundaries.

I appreciate how you're turning things around the deeply ingrained tendencies you're noticing.

Does it matter if he wants you to go? The story that he wouldn't have asked unless he wanted you to come is as easy to believe as the story that if he asked that way it means he doesn't really want me.

This is where OUR rules and the stories based on those rules trip us up. Interpreting everything people do is exhausting and often counter-productive. Try taking things at face value for awhile and see if what changes. Hold up on the deconstructing and interpreting, cause you're doing that based on what's in your head, not what's in his.

Would that be a 180?

Go if you want.

[Maybell]

IC wants me to date. He says I need to see how great a different kind of partner can be. He said listening to the backs and forths with H is like watching a rom-com -- i back off, he moves forward just enough to make me respond, and then withdraws.

I can't date (and told him so). That would just muck things up enormously. Do one thing, finish it, and move on. And I'm not finished here. But I can stick firmly to my boundary. He knows why that is so all I have to do is live with it as I stated it.

I actually DON'T want to go to dinner with him & the kids Wednesday, regardless of whether or not the invitation is genuine. I know how that dinner will go, and then I'll feel down after, and I'm not interested in continuing that pattern. Going will be more of the same, whether or not I go with expectations.

But I can get a job, that's the current GAL priority. Get H out of my head a little bit. That would make a HUGE difference in our dynamic.

Asking him what the message was in that video link he sent me (rather than deconstructing it and submitting it to committee) was a 180 too.

[Maybell]

And I just sent him a text asking why he's taken off his ring. I don't care if that breaks Sandi's rules. I asked because I want him to be honest with me.

[Maybell]

He says he took it off to keep his family from asking about what's going on with him and me because he didn't want to talk about it.

I said I didn't have any grounds to ask anything of him but that mine was still on.

I feel badly for him. He's such a disaster.