Slowly switching gears

[Anders]

Journal: August is here and I am trying to maximize outdoor time each day before the weather begins to turn. Work and summer get togethers have kept my mind occupied. The house has felt less lonely with frequent house guests which has been nice.

Then a week ago, I go over for a group dinner at a buddy's place. The sitting arrangement had me next to a female friend of his who separated from her husband. And I had one of the most interesting and insightful conversations I have had in a long time.

It became obvious that she had heard about me and when I looked at my friend, it hit me that this was a setup. It could have been awkward as I mentioned 'my wife' a couple of times and still have my ring on but we hit it off right away.

It was clear that she was very much okay with her separation, being the WAS and was keen on moving on with her life. And it was tempting not to see my WAW in her. Very similar in personality and interests. There were moments where she would flash me a great smile during the conversation. There were other moments when she would flick her hair and I would wonder if WAW was doing the same with another man, still intent on moving on. As we were leaving, she asked for my card to pass to a friend of hers who she said she would refer to me, and giving me hers. A nice way to leave the door open I thought.

I thought about our conversation for a long time and with a mixed bag of feelings. The connection was good but I felt guilty that I enjoyed her company. At the same time, it was like I had a backstage pass to the 'other' side of a WAW which was fascinating. How casual she seemed to be about her husband and their separation. I couldn't help but think if he could be on this board trying to find a way to save their M. And how easy it could turn out for me to be the OM in their situation and one more hurdle for them to overcome. I found it interesting she still kept referring to him as 'my husband'. That really hit me. I am playing with fire here.

My buddy asked me what I thought of her. It was fun chatting and interesting chatting with her but I told him I was not there yet. I won't stop her but I won't give up on W just yet. He took it in stride. What I didn't tell him was how very much that night made me feel that W may really be done.

As it happens, W and I are talking on the phone tomorrow. The first time in a month despite the frequent 'logistics' emails we have been trading back and forth.