Aw, Ss06. I'm so sorry it's come to this. The day we told our D was the hardest day in this whole process so far. I'm wishing you peace and strength today.
Try to not to be so down on yourself. I know you're trying to accept responsibility for your own issues (and that's great!), but I find it hard to believe that your H is entirely blameless. My H and I have a little bit of the same dynamic -- he holds onto to past hurts forever, whereas I'm a "forgive and forget" type of person. Moreover, I'm quick to apologize and accept blame, while he is more stubborn and will generally feel justified in his behavior, even if he apologizes for the hurt feelings. The result is that, as a couple, we tend to remember many times where I hurt him, but fewer times where he hurt me. But it's a biased perspective. You're not solely to blame, and even if you were, I don't know that it would help to act that way around your H.
Here are the good things that I see --
1. He's not asking for a D. Don't worry about the reasons why. He may say that he is done, but he is leaving the door open, at least a little bit.
2. He has noticed the changes you've made over the past 5 weeks. That's awesome! Don't worry if he doesn't believe them yet. What's that saying that someone else here always posts? Change + sufficient time = change he can believe in. So true!
3. He reached out and apologized after your argument. He acknowledges that he needs to work on himself. He acknowledges that he may miss you. Watch for these little signs and adjust your behavior accordingly. It's what I'm doing with my H, who said similar things when he left.
