Question for the vets. I am getting conflicting advice from my DB coach vs what I've read on the forums here in regards to the 'friend zone' with my STBX.
STBX made the statement 'I hope we can stay friends' a week ago. She has started acting neighbor friendly- no deep emotional conversations, but a couple of friendly exchanges and texts.
Some threads talk about staying dark and detached to drive home the reality of the D. My DB coach thinks its great and says I should casually invite her to join in some things I'm doing with the kids when I'm visiting (whether its playing a game, going for a walk, etc). She says its all part of building a new relationship based on respect for her autonomy, good will, and collaborative coparenting.
Personally I am going to follow this advice for a few reasons. One, during the R one of my biggest faults was distancing during painful situations. So this is a 180. It also gives me opportunities for her to see my other changes. It allows us to work through details with the kids more easily and show them warm behavior. Most of all, I am appreciative that even if we never go beyond that I would rather forgive and let to of the pain and enjoy the positives we do get to have, even if I wish there would be more at some point.
So vets, am I missing something here that would hurt our growth or chances?
I want to say 2 things to you, At this point. (More later)
1) You are a brave man who has realized the real journey in life is an inward one. That insight, coupled with continued brave searches, will get you far here. I believe you will become a man only a fool would leave. Hopefully your wife will see that in time (and you will stay on this path.)
2) When there is a conflict between Coach's advice and ours (or you perceive there to be one), in my opinion, you go with the DB Coach.
They are more experienced than we are, they are NOT laden down with our personal biases and pain, and they know ALL the information we know, PLUS some.
And what good does it do YOU to be confused? I got so much out of this site AND my DB coach was a Godsend.
When in doubt, I went with the coach's advice, and never regretted it.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
