2.5 Months After D-day...and I wait

[25yearsmlc]

Seems to me it's definitely tough love time...

I don't know where to begin.

YES YOU DO KNOW. You just don't "feel like it".

That ^^^ is the addict in you talking again. Stop it. Take & FACE life on life's terms, you know?

This happened and you caused it. So far, your actions (other than when you act a tad healthy) make it worse. Like a drug you KNOW won't make you feel good yet you itch to take it again. DB, think it out. You call her and then what?

She won't answer the phone and say "thank God you called!" Okay? Get real.

She'll either hang up, or listen to you in a way that reeks of pity and NOT of attraction or mystery. She will NOT invite you over "Like it never happened."

You want to un-do any and all growth and insights you CLAIM to have been doing? B/c you will - if you do not STFU, GAL/DETACH.

Stop THIS endless cycling thru. Stop circling the freeway. Take the exit ramp.

AND knock OFF this crazy spiraling NOW. (Am I being clear enough?)



I've tried through Alanon, Let Go and Let God, turning it over, Serenity Prayer, but nothing seems to work.

You've "tried"??? Don't "try". DO IT.

Oh, but "nothing seems to work" ?? Why? b/c you are so different than all the other people in the world who have suffered??.

YOUR misery is way worse than everyone else's. YOU caused this all....

but I'm sure your pain is much deeper... and sadly, somehow you lack ALL the skills the rest of us were just handed at birth...

BS. I've done a 12 step program...Not a picnic for anyone.

I am not in the mood to hear another young person tell the "group" that HIS/HER SITUATION is so much harder than everyone else's. It's NOT.

If anything, you have it easier. There are NO kids to deal with, no financial ruin, no decades of building a life that is now all undone, No mountains of memories to suppress b/c every single holiday for the past 3 decades of your life were shared with ONE person whom you did NOT betray, you have NO confrontations to deal with and NO OMs....No assets to fight about and squander with legal bills, and NO fertility time lost...

All you have to do is learn to live on your own...well, gee, that IS horrible.

Snap out of this.


I get SUPER obsessed and don't know how to stop. It's part of an OLD pattern.

Why don't you "know how to stop"? You have done a 12 step program.

There are steps you take and TOOLS to use.

The program only works, when you work the program. Work it. For real this time.

AND please, Stop making this about YOUR PAIN. It's Incredibly self indulgent.

Don't you see how that is still all about YOU?

DB, you are better than this. IF not, she deserves better than how you are now.

Don't bother calling her with all YOUR pain and all YOUR needs again and again. So NOT appealing.

Here is one tool I used many years ago when I had to deal with my problem -- which was a BIG one.

I thought it out for 3 minutes.

Sometimes that meant calling my sponsor, but eventually I could usually do this on my own. I'd think out realistic outcomes of using again.

"hmm, So I could feel good --probably--for "awhile" and THEN...."

then $h1t hits the fan.

You think it out DB. 3 minutes!

Tell us how great you calling her now would be...with your bucket of need

-the bucket that still has a hole in it, so she can never fill it for long before you go...elsewhere, b/c you have NOT fixed yourself.

Tell us how you will tell her - that you are NOW so different...so different from a few months ago when you were Not the "disciplined man" in control of his urges"....... (Oh, wait...)
Has it even been a week since you wrote her back?

Tell us about all that stuff you wrote (to US) the other day, about your changes, and how you want to commit to her now, whereas "before" you were not in the right place but NOW...now that you have CHANGED & GROWN and are so different....
but you "don't know where to begin"??

Well DB, I would hope you'd WANT to be better & improve more, BEFORE calling her. But you say you "can't wait".

Well - what does that say about you and all that changing and growth?

All the new found self restraint and discipline (long term fidelity requires both) and respect for her, and the way you are working on UN LEARNING your "old pattern"

Are you going to call her and talk about THAT?? Think it out.

Dig Deeper. When you SAY the Serenity Prayer, MEAN IT and DO It.

TURN IT OVER TO GOD,

AND DO NOT GO TAKE IT BACK THE NEXT DAY/HOUR/MINUTE.

Back off. You can do this. You have to.

If you don't pull yourself out of this spiral, your life will NOT improve.

If you call her before you are better, and stronger, you risk losing her forever.