Wife dropped the bomb; doing in house separation

[25yearsmlc]

Two questions for the vets:

As for sleeping arrangements, for the past several weeks we have been trading weeks in the master bedroom. Would there be any point in me just saying "I am moving back into the master full time, you are free to sleep where you want?" I would much rather sleep in my own bed full time, obviously. Just not sure is would be a good idea or not.

I am considering stopping going to my counselor, at least for a while. He is a good counselor, I think. He is the MC we have been seeing jointly for about a year, although W gradually tapered off until he has basically become my counselor. I think the reason I want to stop at least for a while is that I just feel like I am in a rut there.

I have been in psychotherapy/marriage counseling for several years now, and it has been a great journey, but I think it has also become a bit of a crutch. Like I can't handle life or decisions on my own without a counselor to talk to. I think it has kept me in a mindset where I feel like I am broken and incapable in life and relationships.

I think I might needs some time away from therapy to just experience doing life and making decisions on my own for a while. It might also be a little bit of a 180 for my wife to see. With good reason, she has viewed me as a bit addicted to self-help books, fixing the relationship, fixing her, etc. I think it would definitely be a change for me to stop going to counseling, at least for a while. I would def continue my personal journey, reading, posting here, talking with friends, etc., just not with a regular counselor. Thoughts?

I so relate to this^^^ about therapy and "addiction to fixin' "...

Evem when it's with a good counselor, (never mind the mediocre ones) therapy can feel a bit self indulgent.

Have you considered a long weekend retreat or a personal growth workshop sometime? Maybe not this month, but soon? Here's why I applaud SOME of them.

Even in useful but weekly therapy, I could make a breakthrough - but then have to leave & go get the kids or go back to work.

So The next week, I'd have to start all over again, so the progress was at best very "fragmented".

But a good intense workshop gave me continuity to see a problem or issue from the past - to now - and on hru to the solution - so that at the end of the weekend, I had an action plan and some decisions had been MADE.
This workshop is called "Essential Experience" (aka "EE") and it's in Philadelphia.

Every few years, I have gone back to do "team" and help other participants, and it's like a free refresher course. (Make sure you research the correct one, b/c there are other things with similar names but very different emphasis).

EE is INTENSE and exhausting and hard, and you know what else is?

Giving birth. I mean, it felt like a 3 day Labor, but afterwards, OMG I was elated.
It was life changing for me and later on, for my h as well. I felt better about myself than ever before. To an extent, that feeling has never left me.

FWIW, I never expected my h to go. But when he picked me up at the airport from doing EE, he told me he saw a change in me right away. He said that it touched him.

A few months later, to my surprise, he went to EE too, and later told me it was the "Best gift anyone had ever given [him]". A few years later we went back together and did "team," and wow that was a truly deep bonding experience.

EE is different from the other workshops b/c It's a lot deeper and it's "Experiential", which means instead of a lecture format, in which someone tells us information and we try to process/digest it, there are exercises designed to help us experience & discover things about ourselves.

That way, people who usually "edit" our answers or rehearse how we sound (which I have done) ARE confronted with truly unexpected insights.

I really discovered some new things about myself that I did not know or admit to, before. That's powerful.

For me it was like 2-3 years of therapy in one LONG hard weekend. My h said the same (and so did the other DBers).

By far, EE is the best, deepest and most profound. It also consists of a community of participants and graduates who stay in touch and are a part of your life if you want. Other DBers have gone, if you want to ask around. Each said they found it life changing.

It was easily the safest and most supportive emotional environment I've ever been in. There is no "guru" there, and although I personally found it very spiritual, there is no religious dogma shoved at anyone.

I think someone with baggage, insights and a brave heart gets the most out of it, and you fit that bill.

You are willing to dig deep, and you know the real journey in life is an inward one.


EE can speed you along your journey so you can get where you want to go, sooner.

Okay now I don't want to sound like I'm pushing you onto something (or selling it!) I just think it gave my life clarity and intention and did that for my h, who is NOT a workshop type of guy.

So just check out the Essential Experience website, and see what you think.

I have no idea where you live or how far it's from Philly, but I have flown in from as far away as Alaska (& Texas) to do "team" - when friends of mine did the workshop. Totally worth it...

Again HT, hang in there. I have a feeling that your life is about to get a whole lot better, right around the corner.