Tonight was a terrible and very hard night. H is sleeping in his new apartment and we tell our daughter tomorrow evening what is going on.
H brought up R tonight and he is no closer to having hope than he was a month ago. He's so bitter and angry. He says he forgives me but can't forget but I can tell he has not forgiven. He says the changes I'm making should have been made a year ago when he needed them because he's done now. He says if it were up to him he'd just be filing for divorce because he just wants to move on with his life. He's only getting separated for me and our d.
He says he can't believe my changes because he can't believe anything about me. He doesn't believe they are lasting, which I told him I totally understood, it's only been 5 weeks but he said he doesn't think he'll ever believe them. He says he doesn't even believe me when I tell him I love him and don't want a divorce because I want HIM, he is big into mind reading and speculating and says I don't want a divorce because I don't like change and I don't want our daughter to come from a broken home. He doesn't think I really want HIM. He doesn't believe me when I tell him I do.
I tried to come from a place of dignity and respect for the whole 2 hour conversation. To listen and validate. To hear his pain and really come from a place of understanding. He was so negative (which he calls "pragmatic") and I could tell he just wanted to vent for two hours about all the things I did to him and how he's his own hero for growing a pair and getting out. I still listened, validated and let the sharper points just wash over me while still hearing them. No crazy reactions which is a huge 180 for me.
I told him I was totally in favor of the separation, even though it hurts, and I'm eager to really do some meaningful soul searching because I'm proud of the changes I'm seeing in myself and the person I'm becoming. He said that if the changes I make stick that he's proud of me too and it will surely help me have a healthy relationship with someone else down the line. Ouch.
Somehow the convo turns into him complaining about how horrible I was to him and I end up trying to profess big change. Finally, i just stood up, grabbed the basket of folded clothes and walked out. He later came upstairs to tell me he was leaving and asked me not to just walk away from our conversations. To say that I need to end the convo now or something because he said it's too reminiscent of how things used to be. Touché. I told him that I can definitely do that in the future.
What an ugly night. He's not receptive at all to my changes and I can't blame him. 5 weeks isn't enough but he even admitting to not being open to seeing them. I feel like someone not in the middle of all this could see all this more clearly and see the inconsistencies in his plight. I know he's hurting and can't see past that. I fear it's too late.
I'm trying really hard not to let myself spiral into a sad spell that I can't get out of for days.
I asked him what he wanted to get out of the separation. He said he wanted to do some work on himself and "see if I miss you at all". He said he'd need to see a 98% change in me and know 100% that it's authentic and trust that it's real before even considering coming back. He's dead inside and is done.
I'm not busting this divorce well at all.
He just texted this: I'm truly sorry about earlier. Even if I sometimes find it frustrating, I understand you're trying to be healthy and positive, and I came off the rails a bit. I apologize.
To which I responded: I appreciate you apology and the effort it took to tell me you need me to not walk away like that. Thanks for your patience tonight. I'm sorry our talks always seem to be a formula of you venting (understandably) and me promising change you can't believe in. That's not working well so I'll change that.
My heart hurts. I need to do more maybe by doing less? I hate that he hates me so much.
