Wife dropped the bomb; doing in house separation

[25yearsmlc]

At the risk of mind/crystal ball reading, I feel like where we are is that my W is just using the time in in-house separation as a time for her to get her ducks in a row to file for D. Line up a job, look for a house etc. she said "let's do this until the kids go back to school and then reappraise" but i don't think her heart is really open to reappraisal in that short a time frame. I am expecting that at the end of the summer she says she is ready to move forward with D.


You may be correct. But then HT, so what?

I mean, none of those^^^ things are "destructive" to the m, per se. And most of it actually would help you, in the event of a divorce. Last but not least, what choice do you have?

You want to act sadder? You want to "stop" her from doing any of this (Which you cannot do effectively anyhow)?

A LOT of this will depend on your attitude about it. And about your future. is it an upbeat future with positive possibilities, or more of the same? YOU Decide.

And btw, I have 2 family members who divorced...and later, remarried their exes. So Yes, it happens.


On the other hand, I know that the D process can take a long time, especially when she is getting on her feet financially, and I am not Daddy Warbucks. So there is time there for things to change.

I am working on changes. Although most of the time I feel like I am just working on staying alive, I feel like I am walking around with my gut split open and dragging along the floor. I feel wounded and in shock, so it is a real challenge to, at the same time, focus on GAL and making 180s, etc. but oh well no time like the present.

Most of us recall this ^^ ordeal rather too vividly. But the question "what healthy choice do I really have?" Helped me stay on track, often.

I will keep making changes and getting a life. And will be prepared if in a few weeks she says she is ready to move forward with D.

If you are prepared in a few weeks, I'd be amazed but impressed. I guess you have had SOME time...but just keep your focus oN YOUR LIFE and your kids. Not on her or HER next move, HER next mood or act or plan, etc.


She is likely confused herself. And even if she weren't. what she feels today may not be what she feels next week or month, ESPECIALLY if she sees that your changes are lasting. And let's face it, if your changes last a few months this time, that will be new data for her to take in, won't it?

Now, back to YOU...

From what I gather, the proper detached response to that will be " I don't want to get divorced, but if you feel that is what you have to do then I guess that is what you need to do." ???

Pretty darn close.

"It's not what I want, but I won't stop you." That also means you don't have to help her either.

Again I say, now, back to YOU....what NEW GAL are you up to these days? I really do harp on GAL a lot. But only for one reason...

it freaking works. And without GAL - I don't know how one can detach. So what are your GAL and some 180s? Can you name 2 of each? 3?

Later I'll post to you something about GAL and detachment.

And As long as you are reading a ton of books anyhow, try "Co-dependent No More" b/c I have heard a lot of folks are helped by that.

Hang in there. IT's not over , and the more she sees you lovingly interacting with your children, the better. It's great for the kids too, plus, No woman is unmoved by that. Frankly it's a turn on. And the kids could use it, right?

Finally, your growth sounds pretty in depth and I think you have one of the highest chances of long term "personal" success around. That means personal success as in YOU will end up a better, happier man down the road. I don't know if that means your m will be saved but it's rare for a man to look within as bravely and honestly as you have

That's a great thing and it will ultimately be a gift to yourself. You'll be loved again and you will love again. And you will laugh and be happy, etc.

Takes time and growth on HER end, and you don't have control over that. So focus on YOU, & creating a more fulfilling life for yourself and your kids.
Let go of the past, and try hard to go "from this day forward" (like the vows say).


((( )))