What to do with my Picnic now?

[bustingout]

NLW and WBW thank you for your kind and supportive words. I am praying too. I am praying that he is getting ready to really do this and that he doesn't run back into the tunnel out of fear and that I have the good grace and wisdom to help him home.

I wanted to journal and update a bit.

H has continued to be relaxed and 'nice'. Not affectionate and not coming towards me in obvious ways but oh my am I grateful and humble for where we are now.

Last year at this time it was my D's bday and H refused to come- he instead went to visit OW. This year he helped me buy presents, plan the party and was THERE. Touch wood.

We had a few brief talks. I asked him if he will live like a married man.

The abridged version of the conversation is as follows (paraphrased):

H: well I am not going to have any relationships. I don't know about one night stands and I will want to go out and have people over. You used to control me and even question me when I was out with work people.

Me: (I say nothing in response to the one night stand comment) ok - well I see us moving forward from the same place, equal ground in trust and respect. I don't want to control you. I'm sorry if you felt that way. I would only want you in this willingly, not if you feel like you are sacrificing yourself. I would not want you to live a sacrificed life and I know that the commitment needs to be stronger than the fears. We will have fears.

You can do what you want. I am not stopping you. In a marriage though I want to be equal and I want my partner to be proud and happy to be married. Not sacrificed. I believe there are bigger issues to address in the future than you going out.

H: but I'm not moving in to the bedroom with you right away.

Me: that's fine- I am not ready for that either.

H: maybe there is some fear

Me: it's natural. I don't see this as a place for revenge. I want to move forward in trust and forgiveness. Not revenge and control. If you feel you need something else then you need to do that. I believe that if we are both working from the same place then we wouldn't do things to hurt or control each other. We may not yet be ready for that. This will take time.

H: anything can happen

Me: yes I agree. I would have to say though that I don't think either of us should walk on eggshells. I do know however that any kind of outside relationship, one night stand or not, would be a boundary for me. Your feelings matter and you are a priority, and my feelings matter and I am a priority too. I will not want people in my life that hurt me, my kids or my marriage.

H: we will talk more

Me: yes, ok.

I realize that some of this is to provoke me and some is fear and most of it is confusion.

In his actions, he is relaxed and much kinder than he has been in years and years. I had to travel for a few days and he drive me to the airport ( I didn't ask him too). I think his main LL is acts of service and I while I don't think he consciously trying to show me acts of love just yet I think the more he relaxes around me the more himself he gets.

I often wonder what a 'good' and healthy relationship is like. If me and h can actually have one... If I am capable of not smothering the love out of fear. If we can be friends again - if he will actually like me. I have doubted the reality of what we used to have. The past four years have changed so much about me and changed my memories as well. I forgot how much we used to enjoy spending time together. Maybe it was never real... We have both changed so much. The last conversation I had with him also showed me how far ahead of him I am. I am so done with the past and so ready for my next step.

I was pleased with myself for remaining calm. And I realized that this is who I am. It wasn't pretend and it wasn't passive aggressiveness. It felt good. Very good. No matter the outcome. Today my fears are less. Not because of h but because I truly feel free of him and I know I will be great with or without him.

Now, I am remembering that this takes time and is a delicate process. I think I have managed over the past couple of weeks to keep any expectations to almost null.

Remembering that this takes time. And I am last in line.