You are exactly right, you struggle with these decisions because you are obsessed with healing your relationship, and everything else in your life is a lower priority. I have been there, so I completely understand.
Here is the truth - NOTHING you do will make your wife happy. She has to figure out the roots of her unhappiness and fix them herself. Right now, she blames you. If only she were free, she could solve this problem.
The first thing you need to do is give her this freedom.
Personally, I was not able to do this while living in the same house. It was a nightmare I would not wish on anyone. It took physical separation and eventually a divorce for me to be able to do this. Regardless, this is what needs to happen.
For now, I think you should live as if you were divorced and there was no possible future with your wife. Your decisions should be %100 about what moves you forward into a healthy single person the quickest.
