Wifes severe depression, MLC, and suicide attempt

[Lifes Twists]

So I found myself once again at a Rhode island beach yesterday, this time with all three of my daughters. The surf was great and we all hand fun boogey boarding and bouncing around in the waves. Later, I was sitting in a chair, looking out to sea and I realized how lucky I was. Last year was miserable for me with the bomb drop, little to no contact with daughters and health scares. This summer with the health scares receding and my forced summer off do to no work, I have been able to spend a wonderful amount of time with my daughters. I felt like God had put things in motion to give me back some of what I felt I had lost last year.

Right now, I know that any thing can happen and I will find the strength to go on. I will take all the positives that I have received and channel them into better things to come for myself and my daughters.

[Lifes Twists]

This past week had good points and bad points.

My wifes lack of communication left us short $1800.00 for our oldest college tuition. Information going to her place never reached me so that I could determine the correct amount for a student loan. We had to come up with the money by Friday or she would be de registered. I can't understand not sharing the information. She is in a panic as I asked her how she wanted to pay her half. Another bit of reality for her.

I did finish another project on the house. I built a new pantry. It is one more part of finishing the house. I now have 2 rooms left to finish and some additional repairs in other old rooms and the house will be finished.

My middle daughter decided that she was not going to let her mothers fears and issues hold her back. She asked me to help her get back into the college down south she had been accepted to. I contacted them and they are going to deffer her admission to the spring semester. She will be about a 15 hour drive away from me. I think it will do her well to learn to be on her own a bit and away from my wifes fears.

I am working on cleaning up the clutter in my life. I will have to do a better effort of doing some stuff just for myself. I have felt I needed to focus a bit on my daughters because of what happened. I think they are working through it well.

I think being and LBS with an MLCer is much like being an alcoholic with alcohol. We both have our good days and our bad days. The farther away from the issue we are in time the stronger we get in handling the emotional issue.

[Lifes Twists]

This past week was another quiet week for me. I continue to clear the clutter from my life. I did another major project on the house. While the girls were with their mother over the weekend I sanded the hardwood floors on the first floor. What a huge project for one person to do alone. In the process of doing this I was able to clear out and throw out more stuff that is not relevant anymore. The floors look great and the space is much more open now that a lot of stuff is not returning.

On the wife front we finally have her signature on a parenting order. Took a lot of time but I will now have the majority of the responsibility for my youngest daughter. My middle daughter turned 18 today so neither she nor her older sister are part of the agreement. During this process I found it strange what she focused on and what she allowed through this time versus last years attempt. I suspect part of it is her lawyer looking out more for her rather than trying to make a name for themselves like her last attorney. I was surprised she agreed to go to coparent counseling with me. I don't know if it is her or her attorney that is making this happen. I try not to read anything into it, but being a glass half full kind of person I have some hope that she is changing some of her position.

Like most of you, I have my down days and want to give up. I have been trying to focus more on letting go. I focus on my kids and myself right now. I have to let go of worrying about her trying to kill herself again. I know I have no control at this point so cannot punish myself if it happens. I limit all contact right now to a minimal about the kids when I need to. Other than that I am dead silent right now. I don't even ask the kids how she is doing. I am afraid if they tell her I ask that she will still think I am pursuing her in some strange way.

I can't believe summer is almost over. My oldest moves into her dorm this Sunday. My youngest starts sophomore in high school next Wednesday.My middle daughter is going to work for the fall and I will move her down south into the school she is starting as a freshman for spring term. This Thursday I am having a 24 hour test. they are putting a tube of my nose and down to a spot in my esophagus to monitor the ph level. I then go home and try to be normal for the period and then return Friday to have the tube removed. I won't say it is going to be fun, but hope it leads to more improvements in my health.

[Lifes Twists]

Question,

Tonight I am doing a birthday cake for my middle daughters 18th birthday. I know my wife did a simple cake for her earlier in the week. Do I invite her for cake or not? Since she already did a simple cake and did not invite me, I don't feel I need to, but wonder if it would be nice to acknowledge my daughters 18th to my wife.

[Lifes Twists]

My youngest told me something today that explains some things. She told me that she does not like staying at her mothers apartment as there were to many people. She like room to get away and do her own thing. The apartment does not allow that and so she wants to limit the time she has to stay there. It has been a struggle to get them to spend time down there. I guess my wife's idea that she was doing this for the girls did not work out. I don't know if she realizes this is the girls feelings. I wonder how the knowledge would affect her. I guess this is something that can come up in coparent counseling if we ever go.

[Shining]

LT, I'm in no place to offer advice, but I can offer possible things to consider....I'm reading and following... Bumping you up to the top, maybe someone wise has some ideas....

It is tough, when you see the kids struggling with the changes. Many things could happen by bringing it up, especially if it is received as criticism. You could be blamed for brainwashing (I got that one), your W could actually agree to have D's spend less time with her (depends on whether her priority at the moment is either control over the agreement, or freedom from responsibility), she could dismiss the issue, minimize and avoid, she could spontaneously combust....being ready for anything is always a plus for me, but having no expectations is a must.

I keep reading that as long as you keep expectations at zero, and don't take bait and turn into a fight.....idk. Might be ok to bring up. I would say just don't expect the results you're hoping for.

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Shinning,

Thanks for the words. I don't expect anything right now from wife. My efforts are focused on daughters and myself. I don't expect to bring anything up. I know that she will bring it up herself. She has already said to me in the past that she did not want me reminding her that I had said that we could not make it financially. I think I am in a down mood because summer is over and kids are heading back to work. I have had a great time with them and it has made up for last summers disaster. It also means that I need to get more serious and figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I don't think I want to work for someone anymore. I feel like I need to take the plunge now.

[AJM]

LT, what is it you want to be able to look back at this time and say about yourself?

Your wife has said she doesn't want you in her life. She tried suicide. She interacts with the kids, but otherwise wants her own life without you in it, right?

You are doing the right things by keeping silent, based on that. What other choices do you have?

But look ahead to what you want YOUR life to be like. While changes can be good in that they get you out of the habit loops, be careful of high-impact changes. They can add the distraction but have long lasting consequences and add a lot of stress. And since distraction may be the allure, ask yourself what you want to be distracted from. That's something to make peace with, more than likely. Not saying don't make the changes - you have less to worry about if you do than you did when you had more responsibility.

It's not easy to deal with what you're dealing with, LT. It wasn't planned nor asked for. But it is a great opportunity to make peace with some of the things in your life and a chance to try some new things. Some won't "fit" your life and others will.

One other question - what do you feel responsible for regarding your wife? Not what are you used to, but what are you really feeling responsible for?

AJ

[Lifes Twists]

Hi AJ,

I want to be able to look back and see that I gave my daughters a sense of stability during this period. That I gave them some good memories to counter the bad ones they have experienced. That I gave them hope during a bad period.

I can't say that I am responsible for anything regarding my wife. Given the length of and level of depression that she suffers from I am not sure there was anything that I could do that would have changed the outcome. Given Robin Williams recent suicide, no amount of money or other things can change the impact that depression has on a person. I also recently heard that 90% of all marriages with a clinically depressed spouse end in divorce.

I don't think I am looking for a distraction. I am more tired of the rat race I have been in and its uncertainty. I want to look for a way to enjoy making a living for myself and also have time to enjoy what life has available. My wifes outlook is she will just have to work till she dies. I want more than that. I am will to take risks now that I am able to make decisions for my self that may give me a better opportunity.

[AJM]

LT, if you're not responsible for anything she does, then it wouldn't make much sense to try and invite her for things you do with your kids, even birthdays. While you may think it would help to keep them connected, it really keeps you on the hook. Your W has to figure out what she's going to do with regards to the kids. You'll be in the position to encourage or allow it, but not to foster or help it along other than talking to your daughters. Make sense?

I get it. You have a freedom you didn't have before when it comes to your professional life. Heck, all around in your life. Makes sense to re-evaluate. I was just checking because it came across as possibly change for the sake of change. If that's not it, then I'd say go for it! Take the chances that give you the best approach to your life. For you.

I know it is tough picking up the pieces, and hard to admit (sometimes) that it is kind of a relief to not have to worry about somebody who is depressed. But I believe you are doing a great job.

Try not to look back.

AJ