For better or for worse, for richer or for PORES?

[Raine]

Hey Matt, I'm glad my threads were helpful to you. I can post a response over on my thread too, but either way. I don't think most people mind the hijacking.

I asked H about your question. It's hard for him to really know why on a lot of things. It's typically a "I don't know, but here's my guess," kind of response. He doesn't understand the person he was then much more than I do.

He felt like he didn't want to be married. To me, to anyone. He didn't want the responsibility. He also wanted to feel like he was in charge of his life. That he made the decision to leave, and him sleeping with someone else was his way of locking that decision. No one could change his mind or anything about it. He made the decision and he sealed it. It's done. No going back.

He never stopped being attracted to me, but once he did what he had done, he had major regrets and guilt about it. But he couldn't undo it. It didn't matter if he wanted me or wanted to work things out, because he had cheated and there was no forgiveness for it. He wouldn't even think about anything with me, because there was no me. I was not an option. Thinking about or trying to work out anything with me was not going to happen and would just make him upset and sad, so why even go there?

I see it as a migration of things. He didn't want to be married to me - He didn't want to be married to anyone - He experienced life without me, but nothing was good - He wanted what he had, me and the family. Everything was even more attractive than ever before, because he knew what it was to not have it. He was even more attracted to the person he saw me becoming. But that was impossible to have again. - He wanted to hold onto what little friendship we still had.

He was absolutely afraid of being rejected by me. It was odd that he did leave and wanted to get out of the marriage and away from, yet in our last counseling session on the day we separated for 7 months, he said he would never reject me.

We're trying to make sense of someone who is in a completely illogical state. He is saying one thing, but his actions are entirely different. He wants to get a divorce and have me take care of all that, but he goes to great lengths to hide his unfaithfulness and doesn't want me to know about anything. He knows how he felt at the time. He understands his emotions and what was going on there. However, he doesn't understand the why. He doesn't understand how he got to that state of emotion and what he wanted.

He knew that his moving back in was not an open door to me at all. Which is completely true. I setup a separate room for him, which meant the world to him. He needed that space. He was a total mess. He was suicidal. He came back home on the pretense that he needed extra time to find a new place to live. I did not pursue him. He looked at me as someone completely out of his league. I was happy, confident, and didn't need him for anything. He was sure I was seeing someone else. (Yes me and my newborn were partying it up.)

So we are taking about the state of my H at two completely different times, 9 months apart. Was he always attracted to me? Yes, but in the beginning at BD, he wasn't going to lead me on because he didn't want the marriage, and in the end, he didn't deserve me, I didn't want him, and he wasn't going to risk losing what little he had left with me. It's a difficult state to be in, because he is holding onto fire at that point. He can't let me go, but all holding on is doing is hurting him.

I'm guessing Shining's H is going through an incredible amount of guilt right now because he knows what he wants, but this time it's real, and all the consequences of his actions are coming back on him tenfold. This isn't just a booty call. This is someone he cares about, someone he has hurt, and someone who if he continues to be with, he is going to hurt her even more, because she is the one he needs to be honest with. So there is a lot of things going on there. The physical actions are now eating away at his emotions. I think at this point it would have been far easier for my husband to run. I think what he did was really difficult and took a lot of strength and courage for him to do the work and put himself out there.