I want to change as a person and if that means gettin her back or loosing her so be it. I just dont want to make these mistakes again or hurt anyone like this again. I do want my marriage saved but more importantly i want to change myself. I want peace of mind. I want my mojo back, i want to be carefree and laid back but also determined and goal orientated. I am usually a perfectionist and try to perfect everything and i need to know whats in my control and what i have to accept.
When i accept i get feelings of negativity and i dont want that. I want to accept and feel good about or or neutral on things i dont agree on. I want to learn to accept.
I want to understand my wife.
And i want to apologies for my manner in which i stereotyped people that wore shorts.
"I want to change as a person and if that means gettin her back or loosing her so be it."
No you don't. You don't want to change. If you did you would have done what people have suggested to you. Are you willing to do EXACTLY what you are told? All I heard was excuses.
"I just dont want to make these mistakes again or hurt anyone like this again. I do want my marriage saved but more importantly i want to change myself."
Again, I don't think you want to change yourself.
"I want peace of mind. I want my mojo back, i want to be carefree and laid back but also determined and goal orientated."
I don't think being carefree and laid back is the problem. That's what got you here in the first place.
"I am usually a perfectionist and try to perfect everything and i need to know whats in my control and what i have to accept."
That has nothing to do with your M. You obviously didn't want a perfect M.
"When i accept i get feelings of negativity and i dont want that. I want to accept and feel good about or or neutral on things i dont agree on. I want to learn to accept."
You have to learn to understand another person's POV. That's different from acceptance. I have a feeling that you never read DB/DR. Be honest. You skimmed it didn't you? You don't want to do the work.
"I want to understand my wife."
Doesn't seem like it. You think she's a slut right now and that she owes you.
"And i want to apologies for my manner in which i stereotyped people that wore shorts."
This shows how laughable your "effort" has been. You keep doing things like this that shows that you don't really want to change.
Again, what do you plan to do to address your jealously issues. You are the one with the problem of your W having a male friend that is more mature than you. She doesn't "owe" you any apology.
What steps are you going to do to make these sweeping changes that you say you want to make?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You have yet to answer my question on what you have done for W in the marriage? A healthy marriage involves a lot of give and take. That type of behavior is encouraging and supportive of a spouse. This is the real crux of this whole discussion.
No you don't. You don't want to change. If you did you would have done what people have suggested to you. Are you willing to do EXACTLY what you are told? All I heard was excuses.
- I am willing to do exactly as told, sometimes i use my own mind and tend to listen to my own logic which at this state is currently altered.. i guess thats where im going wrong. I will listen exactly as told.
I don't think being carefree and laid back is the problem. That's what got you here in the first place.
- yeah your right, but i was mostly referring to her being able to do things without me saying anything.
You have to learn to understand another person's POV. That's different from acceptance. I have a feeling that you never read DB/DR. Be honest. You skimmed it didn't you? You don't want to do the work.
- i see what you mean, they are always right in their own sense and may have certain feelings that contradict your understanding, its about being able to extract those feelings from her and re-iterating it back to her in an understanding way.
Doesn't seem like it. You think she's a slut right now and that she owes you.
- i actually do, why do i feel like this? And how did you get this so accurate?
Again, what do you plan to do to address your jealously issues. You are the one with the problem of your W having a male friend that is more mature than you. She doesn't "owe" you any apology.
- to be fair shes stopped talking to him but i have kept mentioning it.. how hurt i was.. i guess nothing did happen but in my mind so many different things kept playing back. Trying to overcome this is not easy.
What steps are you going to do to make these sweeping changes that you say you want to make?
"- I am willing to do exactly as told, sometimes i use my own mind and tend to listen to my own logic which at this state is currently altered.. i guess thats where im going wrong. I will listen exactly as told."
Somehow I don't think you will. I mean, I recommended you take some kind of meditation to quiet your mind. And some counseling. Have you actually done either?
"- yeah your right, but i was mostly referring to her being able to do things without me saying anything."
She has a right to. But you condemn it when YOU don't think she should. That's control. Is she your slave to follow your every command? You sure talk as if she is.
"- i see what you mean, they are always right in their own sense and may have certain feelings that contradict your understanding, its about being able to extract those feelings from her and re-iterating it back to her in an understanding way."
That's part of it. The bigger part is that you have to understand and RESPECT their right to do what she wants to do. You don't do that. I have a feeling you don't have much respect for women in general.
"Doesn't seem like it. You think she's a slut right now and that she owes you.
- i actually do, why do i feel like this? And how did you get this so accurate?"
Your sexism reeks through your posts. You have a male dominated opinion that you show in your posts, especially to the women. We all see it. It's up to you whether or not you want to change that. It may be because of your upbringing, but that is an excuse. I've seen many (probably the majority) of men from male dominated societies/religions who have treated their women with respect.
"- to be fair shes stopped talking to him"
She had no choice because you threatened him. And she shouldn't have had to stop talking to him. That just shows your immaturity and insecurity. You don't seem to get it. She had a male FRIEND, to have adult conversations with, but you took it as if he were challenging you for her. How small is your d*ck that you feel threatened by someone whom was trying to help her. Do you believe in stoning her for talking to him? It seems like it because you still think it's wrong.
" but i have kept mentioning it.. how hurt i was.. i guess nothing did happen but in my mind so many different things kept playing back. Trying to overcome this is not easy."
Get over it. If you can't, then divorce and have an arrange marriage with a woman with no thought whatsoever.
"Read db again"
I don't think just reading the book is going to help. What ACTION do you plan to do?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Ok i tried encouraging her to go out and see her friends but she thinks im up to something like setting up a camera.
I had a great opportunity to go do photography for a birthday party but she had a issue with it apparantly how i wanted to go to check out other girls. How i wouldve had to check them out via the camera, how i would have had to make sure they look hot in every picture so i would have to judge them. So instead i cancelled it to keep her happy.
And yeah mr bond i do want to change my male dominated oppinions i want to allow her to be herself.
My plan of action is to just focus on moving myself forward, staying strong, not talking about us to her, and just enjoying the moments i have with her. Make her feel loved and understood.
"Ok i tried encouraging her to go out and see her friends but she thinks im up to something like setting up a camera."
Of course she doesn't trust you because you attacked her guy friend.
"I had a great opportunity to go do photography for a birthday party but she had a issue with it apparantly how i wanted to go to check out other girls. How i wouldve had to check them out via the camera, how i would have had to make sure they look hot in every picture so i would have to judge them. So instead i cancelled it to keep her happy."
You shouldn't have cancelled. Instead, what could you have done to help her with that? In the past, did you check out the girls? Be honest. There must have been something you did that made her feel this way.
"And yeah mr bond i do want to change my male dominated oppinions i want to allow her to be herself."
You never explained any actual ACTION that you would do to make this change.
"My plan of action is to just focus on moving myself forward, staying strong, not talking about us to her, and just enjoying the moments i have with her. Make her feel loved and understood."
Those aren't actual actions. You still seem to refuse to go to C. You really need some outside coaching to help you. Doing it on your own isn't helping and you're making things worse.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I sincerely don't think you are capable of change at all. That will entail dismantling all of your wrong headed notions about women. I sense that you really don't want to do that at all. It's best to set your wife free and give her the divorce she wants for she's 21-years old with a whole life ahead of her without some jerk pulling her down & stomping on her day in and day out.
What I am pegging you here is that you're an emotional abuser. You need help through a professional counselor.
I'm willing to give 1Wish the benefit of the doubt. HOWEVER, like his W, he has to SHOW through his actions that he is willing to change and not just give it out as lip service.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Well firstly im going to be supportive of her interests and actively push her to achieve them.
Like yesterday i dont know if she was testing me but she said shes going to go for dance auditions and i was very supportive about it. I said if it make you happy then why not, if you feel it will bring in a sense of achievement then go for it, ill even come to your auditions and show my support.
i obviously dont want her dancing.. but i accept it because it makes her happy and that itself makes me happy. Just want to be a good husband.
I keep stressing when im at work and need to detach again. I dont usually leave the house to go and do stuff because she gets lonely and gets upset about it. So thats a bit difficult. I try and do more activities and tke her out each week.
